About Chocolate Hammer

About the Blog

Chocolate Hammer, the son of a Bulgarian nobleman-in-exile and a simple peasant woman with a dark secret, was born during a lunar eclipse on a deserted island that, coincidentally, was the resting place of a demonic entity from space. As a child, Chocolate Hammer was often teased by the other son-of-disgraced-aristocrats-and-mysterious-waifs that lived on the island, mocked cruelly for his artless color scheme, tacky name, and poor personal hygiene. In truth, the other kids were simply jealous of Chocolate Hammer’s perfect way with words, boundless intelligence, modesty, and grating lack of character flaws.

When he turned sixteen,  the age where all children/blogs/farm animals are given their destiny by the local fortuneteller, Chocolate Hammer was assigned the Way of the Two-Pronged Fork, a destiny only whispered of by the other islanders. The destiny is as follows: Chocolate Hammer would attain greatness, becoming a hero amongst gods and a god amongst men. Chocolate Hammer would eventually shake the foundations of the world, getting rid of some ambiguously motivated evil. Chocolate Hammer would overcome his embarrassing personal hygiene problems, after some medication and therapy. But most significantly, Chocolate Hammer was destined to walk the world alone, with no friends, family, or even mildly annoying sidekick animals. Chocolate Hammer was promised a mixed destiny, of glory and sorrow, of heroism and misery.

It was promising, providing lots of story hook and angst potential. Unfortunately, it was also a fabrication, a lie told by a desperate fortuneteller who hadn’t made her Fabled Hero quota in 153 years. Chocolate Hammer’s actual destiny was never disclosed, although the fortuneteller, under duress, muttered something about, “The Shaved Chicken,” before passing out in a drunken stupor. She was fired shortly thereafter, an act which was vigorously protested by the Fortunetellers Union (est. Dawn of Time).

After it became very clear that Chocolate Hammer was destiny-less, he sought new direction in life. He first tried a full-time brooding position, centered around his lack of destiny, but found this to be a tad unfulfilling. He next joined a passing circus, but since it was a island in the middle of the ocean with exactly two villages, the thrill of exotic locations died at a rather alarming rate. Finally, unable to find any other career that didn’t require actual skill or work,  Chocolate Hammer sold himself to science.

The End.

Wait.

Leave a Reply

 

 
  1. Matt

    January 23, 2011 at 4:50 am

    First post.
    Disdvvxc sdcvk

     
  2. SupahEwok

    May 4, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Interesting origin story. But I was always under the impression that blogs are like ships; they’re she’s. Yet here you are saying Chocolate Hammer is a he.

    A conundrum. Hmm….

     
  3. Double A

    August 18, 2011 at 4:22 am

    Maybe it’s a hermaphrodite. That [i]would[/i] explain a lot.

     
  4. The Elder Lolls: The Journey Begins | Shabavh

    June 3, 2012 at 3:53 am

    […] seen plenty of this game already from Chocolate Hammer, and it feels like a really interesting (if violent and unpredictable) […]

     
  5. DiploRaptor

    May 17, 2017 at 12:44 am

    Hey Rutskarn I sent you the link on Steam so if you got it let me know there or at my email so you can help me out if you can with all of that buddy thanks