{"id":1053,"date":"2009-08-07T23:04:27","date_gmt":"2009-08-08T07:04:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=1053"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:24","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:24","slug":"in-a-hostile-country-the-saga-of-cahmel-lets-play-morrowind-part-9","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=1053","title":{"rendered":"In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 9)"},"content":{"rendered":"

When we last left our legendary hero, he was interrupted in the midst of a peaceful nature walk\/wildlife murder parade by the appearance of a naked, belligerent Nord. I\u2019m sure he doesn\u2019t have some sort of petty personal issue that he needs me to solve for him at all<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Surely this is the face of personal responsibility.<\/p><\/div>\n

As you may recall from the last episode, he has the following complaint: he was traveling with this evil woman who, as soon as they broke camp, paralyzed him, robbed him, and left him for dead. This was a totally unprovoked attack, and there is absolutely no other circumstances that led up to this situation. Now he wants me to team up with him, find the witch, and murder her to get his stuff back.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Well, gosh, if you can\u2019t trust enraged strange men with the last name Wine-Sot enough to murder other total strangers, then who can<\/em> you trust? Lead on, good man, lead on.<\/p>\n

Oops\u2014actually, I\u2019m going to be doing the leading. And here we come to the biggest goddamn headache about this game\u2014the sassafrassin\u2019 vague quest directions.<\/p>\n

All too often, the most valiant, epic part of your quest will have nothing to do with killing things, robbing things, or\u2026actually, that\u2019s pretty much it as far as most quests go, but I digress. No, your most formidable task is to find where the hell your objective is.<\/p>\n

Joe NPC gives you a quest to find his pinking shears, which he\u2019d left embedded in the hide of a Slargmurder. He needs you to go to the Slarg Caves and find it. Now, if you are unfathomably lucky, he will mark the Slarg Caves on your map\u2026but that almost never happens. More frequently, he\u2019ll give you directions. Will they be good directions?<\/p>\n

Guess.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe caves are\u2026northwest. You know. Like, kind of\u2026that way? Look, it\u2019s right at the foot of the hill. Near the sharp rock. Not like there\u2019s a couple dozen thousand million of those out there, right? Also, there\u2019s a river nearby\u2026or not? I forget. Hold on\u2026look, you know that farm? What, you don\u2019t? You telling me you haven\u2019t<\/em> combed every inch of the Arsend Swamps? Well, it\u2019s\u2026it\u2019s a cave. You can\u2019t miss it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Things are no different here. This is a direct quote:<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe she is (\u2026) northwest, though I could be wrong as the spell disoriented me a bit, it did. You know this area better than me\u2014lead the way! This witch shall rue the day she met Hlormar Wine-Sot!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

Where do I begin?<\/p>\n

1.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You believe<\/em> she is northwest? Believe<\/em>? I believe<\/em> you are wasting my goddamn time, fellow traveler.
\n2.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, so I know this area better, do I? And what are you basing that on? Let me break this down for you, in small words so your woaded-up vine-sotten meatscrap of a brain can process it: I got off the boat about a week ago. I have never been here before. I don\u2019t know this area from a kwama\u2019s rosy backside. <\/em>Actually, know what? He\u2019s probably right. There are slugs that live a country away that have a better grasp on this bloke\u2019s surroundings than he does.
\n3.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Regret the day she met you, eh? Again, think I need to straighten this out for you: you? You\u2019re naked. You have no weapon save the dagger you\u2019ve got tucked under those tasteful fur undies, and between you and me? It\u2019s not that intimidating. What you are so loudly boasting is that she\u2019ll regret the day she met you, totally schooled you, and drove you to tattle to the first stranger you bumped into afterwards.<\/p>\n

I take him on anyway, though. Not because I\u2019m thick\u2026well, not entirely because I\u2019m thick. Mostly because I want to see how this works out.*<\/p>\n

As advertised, this guy\u2019s directions are a load of horse puckey. I wander around for about ten minutes before finally, I bump into a woman.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

A deal, you say? Does this deal, by chance, involve me escorting you to some random location? Why, keep talking, madame!<\/p><\/div>\n

She is not the witch. She is a trader who needs my help finding a nearby town.<\/p>\n

Okay, seriously. What is up with people assuming I know my way around? Did I accidentally steal a shirt with a MorrowindLand Employee <\/em>badge on it? I have no idea where anything is. I swear, it feels like I can\u2019t walk into a building without everyone coming to me asking where the bathrooms are.<\/p>\n

Anyway. As a reward, she offers me a magic item called the Boots of Blinding Speed. This is where I start drooling.<\/p>\n

Okay, so\u2026little glimpse behind the curtain here. The truth is that while I often feign ignorance or surprise as events unfold, pathetic amounts of hours playing this game have given me a pretty damn intimate knowledge of its factions, NPCs, and storylines. Usually, I act dumb for the sake of joke, or don\u2019t let on that I know where something is going\u2026but in this instance, I think it\u2019s important to note that I know exactly where this quest is going, and where it is going is giving me the most awesome item in this whole frickin\u2019 game.<\/p>\n

See, as I\u2019ve mentioned, the movement speed in Morrowind is absolute cobblers. You just sort of mope to and fro like a hamstrung man on his way to a root canal, watching as you\u2019re overtaken by elderly clouds and legless dogs. It\u2019s a chore to get from Point A to Point A1, let alone Point B.<\/p>\n

The boots\u2026well, the upshot is that they strap rockets to your keister. You start flying fast as a starved jet pilot towards a Golden Corral, making every movement pure pleasure. If you should remove them at any point afterwards, you feel like your veins have been filled with concrete.<\/p>\n

Of course, there\u2019s a price. If you don them without having formidable magic resistance\u2014tricky without some pretty fancy artifacts\u2014you are literally stricken blind. Not permanently, but for as long as you wear the boots.<\/p>\n

I can find a way around that, though. Like I said\u2014know this game. In the meantime, I gotta have those boots.<\/p>\n

So I detour even further, setting off for the town. It\u2019s almost nice traveling with some companions\u2014the little quips, the creative pathfinding, the occasional team-building exercise wherein we would all dogpile an animal enemy and then the AI would bawl me out for accidentally hitting them when they dove into my line of attack, the painfully slow movement rate okay<\/em>, yeah, it was hell and a half escorting two NPCs at once.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Just taking a leisurely jog with my friends, a naked man and an aimless woman with no sense of direction, wondering where it all went wrong.<\/p><\/div>\n

Finally, I drop her off, get the boots, and get back to business. Oh, and on the way I bump into another NPC. He wanted me to drop off a note with some woman back in Caldera, the town which (for those of you keeping score) I left that morning with the vain hopes I would reach Ald-Ruhn by the next day. Screw you, pal. I take the note anyway\u2014I\u2019m bound to go back there eventually, albeit weeks later than he probably wanted it delivered.<\/p>\n

After a bit of searching, I do manage to find the \u201cwitch\u201d. Upon talking to her, I find that\u2014gasp and shock\u2014there\u2019s more to this story than meets the eye!<\/p>\n

Yeah, apparently, this Nord fellow was getting a bit too friendly with her, so she paralyzed him out of self-defense and robbed him to teach him a lesson. She agrees to return the stuff to him in a few days, and asks me to convey this offer to him. Uh, yeah, he\u2019s standing five feet away, lady. Ask him yourself. Suddenly, as soon as the prospect of looting bodies is removed, I\u2019ve lost interest in negotiating this warped soap opera.<\/p>\n

Oh, alright. I give him the offer. It is at this point that he completely loses it.<\/p>\n

Wine-Sot summarizes the situation as follows: she\u2019s lying, I\u2019m going to kill her anyway, are you with me or against me?<\/p>\n

Neither, you clown, but that\u2019s not really an option. I say I\u2019m not going to help him kill her, and he attacks me instead.<\/p>\n

You know, you\u2019d think the odds would be pretty squarely against him. I mean, it\u2019s a heavily armored warrior and an apparently-powerful witch against a big naked drunk man, right? Well, I imagine it would be, except for two things:<\/p>\n

1.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m still a bit fatigued from running here, which means I\u2019m susceptible to his melee attacks, and
\n2.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 THE GODDAMN WITCH DOESN\u2019T LIFT A SINGLE FRICKIN\u2019 FINGER.<\/p>\n

This shaved ape is just going ballistic on me, knocking me down and curbstomping me into a festive gory pulp, and she\u2019s standing off to the side with this stupid grin plastered onto her face. Not once does she move a single muscle, except occasionally to turn to follow the battle, as if this is her idea of a fun spectator sport. In this corner, the berserk naked man! In this corner, the broken guy in the can made of bug skin that, in 20-20 hindsight, is turning out not to be such an effective material for armor.<\/p>\n

Finally, I manage to hack him down.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Maybe you should have called yourself Hlormar Blood-Clot! Hah hah! Get it? Because I hacked him open with a blade until he bled to death!<\/p><\/div>\n

Weary, I turn to the woman for my reward. Well, that was a tough fight, but I imagine that magic axe will be useful\u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

WHAT.<\/p>\n

You sit there watching this freakish half-human half-monkey mutated hybrid beat me into a bruised mass, all because I refused to attack you, and then\u2014after<\/em> I nearly get killed\u2014you offer me some health potions? And then, to add insult to injury, you very pointedly don\u2019t give me the spare magic axe you have lying around, saying you\u2019re going to give it to someone who can \u201chandle its power\u201d?<\/p>\n

Hm. Actually, I can see why she\u2019d have reservations about that. She can\u2019t just trust any old person who\u2019d defend a stranger from a frothing berserker, after all. Plus, she might be afraid I\u2019d hurt myself with it–don\u2019t want such a magical weapon falling into the hands of a novice. She needs to give it to someone who can prove they can handle themselves around edged weapons. Well, that\u2019s reasonable. Please, allow me to demonstrate that I\u2019m quite familiar with the proper use of a bladed instrument.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Oh, what\u2019s that? You want to give me the axe now? Why, thank you, good woman!<\/p>\n

As I walked into the sunset, whistling and playing with my new axe, I reflected on the fact that as much progress as I had made in that game day, I might as well backtrack to rest in the inn instead of in the wilderness. For the sake of appearances, I did not do so.<\/p>\n

Next up: I bump into more quest NPCs on my way to Ald-Ruhn. Oh, I friggin\u2019 wish<\/em> I was kidding.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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