{"id":1730,"date":"2010-02-25T00:59:48","date_gmt":"2010-02-25T08:59:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=1730"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:23","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:23","slug":"clod-of-cthulhu-hard-to-come-up-with-a-pun-when-youre-eel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=1730","title":{"rendered":"Clod of Cthulhu: Hard to Come Up With a Pun When You’re Eel"},"content":{"rendered":"

Running on massive sleep loss and waning-but-present illness, here. I\u2019ve already written 2000 words of humor-like product tonight, and I\u2019m not sure how much more I can squeeze out before I collapse from exhaustion, so I\u2019m just going to ride the Cthulhu Train until my word text stops Englishing properly. I wouldn\u2019t even be writing this post, but I feel guilty that I didn\u2019t manage one while studying last night, so I\u2019m just gonna grit my teeth and take one for the Hammer. Anyway, it might be a bit short, so sorry about that.
\n<\/em>
\nWhen we last left Jack Walters, he was planning on springing Burnham from his jail cell in the center of town. Jack\u2019s plan seems to be:<\/p>\n

1.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Evade the disorganized, poorly-armed Dagon militia on the outskirts.
\n2.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Head towards the police station, where the concentration of heavily-armed disciplined police officer cultists is the strongest.
\n3.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Spring Burnham from jail, thus ensuring that a.) you are doubly conspicuous and b.) the fuzz has all the more reason to hunt you down.
\n4.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Escape. This was impossible before, when it was just you against an entire city, but now that it\u2019s you and <\/em>an unarmed shop clerk against an entire city, you figure you can pull it off.<\/p>\n

Yes, apparently Jack has concluded that the best way to free Burnham is to get himself killed going up against a jail full of armed police officers. I would argue that a better plan would be to escape, tell someone\u2014anyone\u2014about what had happened, then watch the National Guard curbstomb Innsmouth and demand Burnham\u2019s release. There are two advantages to this plan: firstly, it has a lower risk of injury or death involved, and secondly, it\u2019s not stupid as all hell. <\/em>
\n
\nMuttering under my breath, I make my way to the jail. All of the streets around it are full of patrolling cultists\u2014the place looks like the sidewalk outside Murdering Stupid Outsiders Expo 1933<\/span><\/em> (special live show by The Ordinators). I can barely get near the building without getting ventilated from one angle or another. But that\u2019s okay, because it\u2019s at this point I find…<\/p>\n

\u2026a crowbar.<\/p>\n

Back when Half Life was released, much ado was made over the fact that you start out without a weapon. The first fifteen minutes are spent moving about the facility, going about your daily routine of riding the tram and putting up with jackhole co-workers until a sour test chamber experiment more or less ruins your day. Even after that goes completely haywire and aliens start invading the building, it\u2019s another four or five minutes until you find a crowbar, and you encounter at least one (minor) enemy in that time that you\u2019re forced to simply outrun. It was revolutionary; never before had acquiring one\u2019s melee weapon<\/em> caused so much joy and relief.<\/p>\n

Fast forward to Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth. I had been playing for about three hours without getting a weapon of any kind. In that time, I had gone up against an entire city<\/em>\u2019s <\/em>worth of evil cultists, all of whom were armed to the teeth and capable of killing me with ease. I had also encountered evil gods, poison spiders (in the sewers), and the tantalizing hint of a shoggoth.<\/p>\n

This crowbar was a cool breeze on a flatulent summer day.<\/p>\n

So, through the cell bars, I can meet the inmates. The first one is Burnham. Burnham is elated to see me\u2014it doesn\u2019t take a genius to figure out that the evil fish-people who threw him in jail for no reason aren\u2019t planning to do anything nice with him, and the fact that I\u2019m also a fugitive confirms his worst suspicions about the murderous extent of Innsmouth\u2019s xenophobia. He agrees to escape with me, and gives me some helpful advice on how to get him out of his cell, but it turns out not to be necessary\u2014the bars melt away into butterflies, and he crawls out through the window and calls his magical hot air balloon to take us away.<\/p>\n

Oh, wait, sorry, that didn\u2019t actually happen. He doesn\u2019t believe there\u2019s anything wrong, he\u2019s extremely unhelpful, and he wants me to go away. I\u2019m actually really glad I came to free this guy, because if nothing else it demonstrates that Jack isn\u2019t the <\/em>dumbest guy in the Western Hemisphere.<\/p>\n

I get inside by spooking Burnham\u2019s neighbor, who\u2019s a lunatic, and causing the jailor to come outside to investigate. I\u2019m not totally sure why he did this\u2014he says something like, \u201cSomething must have riled up the prisoner,\u201d but given the guy\u2019s mental state I\u2019m thinking he could be worked into a frenzy by a leaf of romaine lettuce. Whatever, I\u2019ll take any help I can get\u2014as long as it brings a tender skull within whacking distance of my new best friend, it\u2019s all good. Of course, this situation calls for stealth. There\u2019s not a really a whole lot of profit in charging a shotgun-wielding murderer when all you\u2019ve got is a glorified prying tool. So I slink into the shadows, waiting for the jailor to lurch his way outside. He opens the door and shambles out, slowly, pacing down the wall towards the prisoner\u2019s window. Silently, I begin to shadow him. I follow in his footsteps, the sound of his booted tread masking my own. Inch by inch, I draw closer to him\u2014the crowbar hums in my trembling hands,. I tighten my grip, step into range, and like a pouncing tiger I swing<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n

It connects directly with the back of his head. He goes, \u201cOof,\u201d and shuffles a little.<\/p>\n

Uh. I swing again. He says, \u201cOof.\u201d I\u2019m impressed at his sportsmanship\u2014he has made absolutely no move to turn around and blow me away.<\/p>\n

I swing again. He says, \u201cOof,\u201d and falls over.<\/p>\n

Victory?<\/p>\n

Oh-ho-ho, looks like I\u2019m going up in the world. Before, I thought I\u2019d have to go up against all the other officers in the jail using only my crowbar\u2014an activity without much future in it, you can imagine. But now I\u2019ve killed a guy holding a shotgun\u2014by the Law of the FPS Jungle, this shotgun is now my <\/em>property. So give it here, that I might\u2026<\/p>\n

At this point, his body\u2014and the gun\u2014fade away.<\/p>\n

What? I don\u2019t get to pick up his gun? I don\u2019t\u2014I don\u2019t even get to take his ammo, for when I do get a gun?<\/p>\n

What the hell, developers? Were you afraid this game made too much <\/em>sense?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Running on massive sleep loss and waning-but-present illness, here. 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