{"id":2195,"date":"2010-06-25T01:01:44","date_gmt":"2010-06-25T09:01:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2195"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:22","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:22","slug":"in-a-hostile-country-the-saga-of-cahmel-lets-play-morrowind-part-48","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2195","title":{"rendered":"In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 48)"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Sorry, misplaced this post–that’s why it took so long to get up. Oh well, no harm done.)<\/em><\/p>\n

When we last left our daring hero, he was working his way through a Necromancer\u2019s lair that was slightly less dangerous than Disney\u2019s Haunted Mansion. I was ostensibly working as support for a Buoyant Armiger, and indeed, we ended up splitting the workload more or less evenly. I handled all of the tasks involving:<\/p>\n

*Killing the undead
\n*Securing the area
\n*Protecting us
\n*Vanquishing evil
\n*Taking damage
\n*Scouting ahead
\n*Flanking the enemy
\n*Drawing my weapon<\/p>\n

Whereas she leapt on any situation that required:<\/p>\n

*Spitting out one of three combat taunts
\n*Getting stuck on doorways
\n*Baring biceps
\n*Possessing a can-do attitude
\n*Sobriety<\/p>\n

Together, we made a good team, and an even better me-doing-everything-while-she-sort-of-shuffles-behind-me-and-talks-a-good-fight. We were like Aragorn and the gaffer, Sergeant Angel and his peace lily, La Femme Nikita and her grocery checkout boyfriend, Bruno and Vatsy\u2014a badass duo, in that I was Bad and she was just plain Ass.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t take me long to get to the end of the tomb, a sort plush apartment space at the top of a couple staircases. There waited Whatsisface, Dunmer necromancer, apparent evil dude, and the guy whose shenanigans necessitated this mission. I\u2019m still not sure what he was actually doing<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s possible my ally would have informed me, if I\u2019d expressed even the faintest smidgen of interest. It\u2019s also possible he would have given me the pitch himself, if I hadn\u2019t hacked him into peppersteak the instant I moved within melee range of his corpus.
\n
\nIt was actually pretty funny to watch. A high-speed camera would show the full range of actions: he blinks into his whuzzat-oh-yeah-there\u2019s-an-enemy-on-the-screen-now NPC violence mode, raises his hands up as if fondling an invisible basketball, informs me that there is a marked dearth of egresses*,\u00a0 and moves like he\u2019s about to cast some awesome spell that turns my bones into gelatin and my nerve endings into pixie-stix. However, before he gets halfway through the animation, I introduce him to the possibilities of physical violence and get to see that facial expression\u2014you know, the one that means, \u201cI spent twenty years studying the makeup of the universe that I might bend physics to my will and reanimate the dead, and I just got schooled by some homeless punk with a sharp metal stick.\u201d<\/p>\n

I wiped off my short sword, whistling as non-smugly as possible (read: smugly enough to poison infants and small animals). It is at this point that my companion limped up to the top of the steps, breathing heavily and clutching the handrail.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh god, I told you, don\u2019t make me run. Keep in mind that I\u2019m weighed down by a basically adequate amount of armor over here.\u201d She plopped down on the ground, groaning softly. \u201cMan, rough dungeon, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

I glanced down at the corpse at my feet. \u201cI guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it\u2019s not easy being in the Buoyant Armigers, is it? Don\u2019t worry, though, you\u2019ve managed to keep up. Not everybody can.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. I mean, like, my mom came with me once because she wanted to see what I did for a living\u2014she never really got over me quitting my job as a party clown. Anyway, she could only handle fighting like two skeletons at once, so I kept having to stop and wait for her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026huh. So, what, you ran up ahead of her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d She waved a hand. \u201cYou know, it\u2019s not my job to stop and fight every single enemy. I\u2019m really more looking for the necromancer himself, the guy behind <\/em>the hordes of skeletons.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you run up ahead to search for him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBest thing to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

I glanced around the plush bedroom. \u201cWhere do you search?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you know\u2026closets, basements, under tables. Sometimes, if I don\u2019t find him before long, I\u2019ll go search the tavern in the nearest town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey run out of the tomb full of undead and go hide inside town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, right?\u201d She snorted a little too loudly. \u201cCowards.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a moment\u2019s silence, she cleared her throat, then leaned forward as if trying to touch the toe of her boot. \u201cUh, so, I\u2019m actually just going to stretch my hammies a little here. Don\u2019t want to sprain anything. So, if you want to keep looking for the necromancer, that\u2019s cool with me. I\u2019ll catch up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me\u2026sorry, what did you say your name was?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d She blinked. \u201cArmiger Ulyne Henim, defender of–\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUlyne, would you mind if I asked you a personal question?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, no, go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re ponderous, incompetent, and a complete disgrace to the profession of adventuring. You couldn\u2019t kill a suicidal cockroach that was taped to the bottom of your boot. There is demonstrably not a single aspect of your job you are suited for, up to and including the part where you dress <\/em>yourself. I would recommend that you throw yourself onto your spear, but that would require you to draw it and then successfully kill something with it\u2014both skills you do not seem to possess. Consequently, I will simply recommend that you go lie in a ditch and try very hard to discover shame, that you might die of that instead.\u201d<\/p>\n

When she regained control of her face, she said, \u201cYou didn\u2019t ask a question.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable discussing personal matters. Your shortcomings certainly fall under this category, since you are not so much flesh as mobile, badly-armored failure. Godspeed.\u201d<\/p>\n

With that, I took my leave. Funny, I thought–I\u2019d rejoined the Fighter\u2019s Guild to get some of my self-esteem back, and it was working like a charm.<\/p>\n

*Every other enemy in Morrowind informs you, \u201cThere is no escape!\u201d This is often false, but in this case, it is entirely accurate. Technically speaking, one does not actually escape <\/em>a mangled corpse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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