{"id":2227,"date":"2010-07-01T23:26:56","date_gmt":"2010-07-02T07:26:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2227"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:22","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:22","slug":"in-a-hostile-country-the-saga-of-cahmel-lets-play-morrowind-part-50","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2227","title":{"rendered":"In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 50)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Oh-kay, I figured out what was wrong with the headset. Initially, I’d thought it was a driver issue that’d take forever to hunt down and sort out.\u00a0 Thankfully, that’s not the case–experimentation has demonstrated that the headset’s just plain <\/em>broke. So, I’ll figure that out, I guess. In the meantime, here’s a nice full-length Cahmel to tide you over. <\/em><\/p>\n

When we last left our crusading hero, he was stuck dredging the crappiest pub in Sandytown for directions\u2014and what kickawesome directions they<\/em> turned out to be, by the way. Really, it\u2019s wrong to call them directions–it\u2019s just direction, full stop, and that direction is north<\/em>. Wander out that way, start combing the badlands, and see if the cliff racers kill you before you work up the courage to do the job yourself.<\/p>\n

People threw a hissy fit when Beth threw a quest compass into Oblivion, claiming that it removed the sense of exploration and independence from the game. That would be a legitimate complaint if the quest directions in Morrowind weren\u2019t so invariably godawful\u2014as it is, complaining about Bethesda putting in a quest compass because it dumbs down the game is like complaining that they put out a house fire because now it\u2019s too cold<\/em>. Speaking in my official capacity as a long-time devotee of Morrowind: less of this rubbish can only be a good thing. Of course, it\u2019d be really nice if Bethesda just started making quest directions make sense, but if I\u2019m being frank, I don\u2019t credit them with a lot of finesse. A hack solution\u2019s better than no solution.<\/p>\n

Anyway, luckily, I\u2019ve done the whole systematic-sweep-of-the-island thing about a hundred times before. That won\u2019t make the process less time-consuming, but it does mean I won\u2019t try to reflexively bludgeon myself unconscious around hour fifteen. I\u2019m also making good progress on the sobbing around hour six, and I\u2019m progressing slowly but confidently in phasing out the hour eight pants-wetting. In the process, I did<\/em> accidentally train myself to go fetal whenever anyone gives me directions, but I\u2019m pretty sure freshman orientation was going to be awkward anyway.<\/p>\n

Where was I? Oh yeah, hopelessly lost. I ended up taking a few modes of fast travel to get to the general area indicated, which, thankfully, wasn\u2019t actually that<\/em> big. It was a sort of archipelago north of the mainland, a good hike\/swim away from the nearest town and loaded with all kinds of crazy caves and junk. It wouldn\u2019t even be that tricky to search, except for a few things:<\/p>\n

1.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The islandettes are surrounded by irritating cliff racers, slaughterfish, and dreugh.<\/p>\n

2.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The place is hilly as heck, and not only is it difficult to see what\u2019s ahead of you, it\u2019s sometimes difficult to walk ten feet in a straight line. This means you go around the hills, which usually means taking a little swim, which means another exciting journey into the magical realm of nautical manslaughter.<\/p>\n

3.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There are about a thousand different nooks in this place, and they all look the same\u2014it\u2019s actually possible to fly by the place you\u2019re looking for because you mistakenly believe it\u2019s another tomb you just passed, which makes you think you\u2019re going in circles, which just perpetuates the rather pathetic cycle.<\/p>\n

4.)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 BLAARGH DAEDRIC RUINS RUN<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank god <\/em>I have the boots. They let me outrun all of the cliff racers and slaughterfish and stuff, and cut down some of the travel time, and it\u2019s still <\/em>a tremendous chore sweeping this place. I\u2019m starting to wish I had a GPS and, like, a helicopter. Actually, this whole thing would be more interesting if I was Rico Rodriguez, but we can\u2019t all be that lucky.<\/p>\n

At one point, I accidentally let some dremora get a piece of me\u2014I\u2019d have taken a screenshot, but I was too busy getting murdered to press any key not related to getting the hell out of there. If you really want to see how it went down, kidnap Richard Simmons, give him a pair of roller blades, drop him into a drained pool, then pay a couple of ex-MMA fighters to go down and kill him with machetes. You might want to alert the proper authorities first; they may want to watch. Anyway, point is, I was in a bad way and needed to rest up a bit. At first, I couldn\u2019t find any point far enough from the cliff racers to do so, but then, out of nowhere, I stumbled onto this cottage.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

I could've sworn I had a screenshot of the house. Have this instead, I guess?<\/p><\/div>\n

Man. It\u2019s bad enough having to come out here on business, but can you imagine living <\/em>out here? This place is for people who can\u2019t take the fast-paced hustle and bustle of the suburbs, so they traded their neighbors for bleached unhealthy-looking plant life and the Homeowner\u2019s Association for omnipresent blood-crazed vultures. Okay, actually, that last one\u2019s not much of a change, but you\u2019ve still got to wonder about the sort of deranged mind it\u2019d take to look at this patch of crusty rock and think, \u201cLet\u2019s get a white picket fence up in this bitch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Not that I care, of course. It\u2019s a house, and right now, it contains two things that I am passionate about: 1.) a place to rest, and 2.) an absolute vacuum of cliff racers. Of course, they\u2019ll have to not mind me crashing their place, but I\u2019m getting a hermit vibe from this establishment, so their religious vows probably dictate that they have <\/em>to help me. I don\u2019t know about you guys, but when I think hermit, I think hospitality.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

I guess hermits aren't big into night-lights. Or lanterns that work.<\/p><\/div>\n

See? She looks like a nice sort. She even respected me by greeting me with a formal insult. I don\u2019t know about you guys, but I think that\u2019s pretty classy. What\u2019s your name? No, don\u2019t tell me, I don\u2019t really learn NPC names\u2014it\u2019s kind of a thing at this point, and also I\u2019m lazy. I\u2019ll just go ahead and call you Crazy Hut Lady, or Lunatic House Woman for short. Sound good to you? I\u2019ll take your sizzling xenophobic glare as a \u201cyes please.\u201d<\/p>\n

Anyway, as you can see, demons kind of tore apart my flesh over here. I don\u2019t want to make a big deal out of it, but I might well die within the hour<\/em>. You don\u2019t want that, do you? I\u2019d probably bleed all over your floor. Well, bleed more <\/em>over your floor. More than I am presently doing. Relax, I\u2019ll help clean it up. Anyway, point is, I really ought to get some beauty sleep, and your bedroll fits the bill quite nicely.<\/p>\n

Oh, crap, that didn\u2019t sound entirely right, did it? I don\u2019t want you to think that I\u2019m coming onto you, here, because let me just come out and say it: no, god, oh god, no, never, no<\/em>. I actually threw up in my mouth thinking <\/em>about it, just now. Not a little bit, either, like you might do recreationally. This was a respectable amount of mouthvomit, a substance\u2014one of many <\/em>substances\u2014that interests me romantically more than you do. You repulse me; you are disgusting and a half<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Now, Deranged Domicile Dame, I take it that we are now on the most amicable of terms, and that I am free to use your bed. Thanking you in advance, Cahmel.<\/p>\n

I siddle my bad self onto it, and\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026my crime has been reported. Resting failed.<\/p>\n

Oh\u2026kay. Apparently, not only was it not <\/em>okay for me to sleep in this woman\u2019s bed\u2014and she gave me some real mixed signals on that, by the way\u2014she saw fit to report it to the proper authorities, whoever the goddamned hell they might be out here. I guess she has a hotline to the nearest guard station\u2014but no, because I didn\u2019t see her talking or anything. I guess she has a secret button somewhere hardwired to, when pressed, inform someone a mile away that a guest in her house had the audacity to sleep in her bed<\/em>. Actually, no, I didn\u2019t even get to sleep, so she\u2019s really just reporting loitering with drowsy intent. The fine for that is apparently five gold.<\/p>\n

Five gold? Why would she even bother? I guess she\u2019s just really bored, so she can only get her kicks by picking arguments with passersby. Or maybe she went through all the expense to get the magic crime report button installed and doesn\u2019t want to feel like it went to waste. Either way, I have the solution to both of our problems right here.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Can you see that she's dead? You can probably guess that she's dead. <\/p><\/div>\n

And you know something? I didn\u2019t get reported for that one. And when I used her bed afterward, nobody complained. I guess the issue was resolved to everybody\u2019s satisfaction.<\/p>\n

After I wake up, I start the obligatory looting run, because any jerk can be a murderer\u2014it takes dedication to be an absolutely pathetic one. Let\u2019s face it, I didn\u2019t just knock over Lord Vivec himself over here; this is the stuff you don\u2019t put out for the yard sale because you\u2019re just too damned embarrassed <\/em>to. Let\u2019s do inventory: candlestick: value 5. That\u2019ll buy me an order of Scrib Fries over at Bug King. Piece of folded cloth: value 2. I guess if I ever need, like, the world\u2019s tiniest bribe, that\u2019ll be useful. Robe: value 15. Hey, that\u2019s another round of drinks, provided I spare the expense of flavor and flylessness. Crappy book in chest: value 50,000. If I run out of toilet paper, I suppose I can always hold on a second<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

Is this, what? What the\u2026was she\u2026can\u2026<\/p>\n

Okay, stop, STOP, first make sure I\u2019m awake. Come to think of it, this is exactly <\/em>like that dream I keep having. Well, the part where I murder the unsuspecting hermit and then rob them is; the book is new. Either way, I should probably double check the whole consciousness thing.<\/p>\n

Pinch test reveals that I am, in fact, awake. Price check reveals that the book\u2019s still crazy expensive. And the smell test reveals that the woman is definitely in no condition to report my theft.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ll excuse me, I think this situation merits some reflection.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oh-kay, I figured out what was wrong with the headset. 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