{"id":2821,"date":"2010-09-22T23:18:16","date_gmt":"2010-09-23T07:18:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2821"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:22","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:22","slug":"new-cahmel-today","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2821","title":{"rendered":"The Cyrodiil Look: Cahmel\u2019s New Travels (Let\u2019s Play Oblivion, Part 7)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Expect a new Cahmel in this space later today (Pacific time). <\/strong>Remember that whole academic integration thing? Got some of that to take care of, and then we’ll get back to the larceny and grand theft you have been accustomed to.
\nRandom note: I’ve started work on a mini-series. If all goes as I plan, it’ll be a snap to produce and entertaining for all involved. More details later, methinks.<\/p>\n

EDIT: Here ya go.<\/p>\n

When we last left our noble hero, he\u2019d finally figured out what he wanted to be when he grew up: a felon. That\u2019s right: I\u2019m going to make a living stealing things instead of doing honest work, like murdering things and then stealing them, or murdering things at the instruction of people wearing nicer gear and then stealing whatever happens to be around them. Actually, now that I think of it, this pretty much exactly like most of the work I\u2019ve had in the past. All I\u2019ve actually done is cut out the middleman and the middlemurder.<\/p>\n

Right, I\u2019m resolved. Time to break out the black handlebar \u2018stache and old-timey white-striped tabard, because I\u2019m here to steal crap and kill cliff racers\u2014and I\u2019m all out of cliff racers. <\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

What should my first target be? I should start small, methinks\u2014maybe hit an aristocrat\u2019s place? Everyone around here seems pretty rich, and while I\u2019m new to the whole robbery scene, I\u2019ve got a pretty good idea that rich people have more expensive stuff. Sure, that inn was full of valueless knickknacks and random doodads, but that\u2019s because they\u2019ve learned long ago that when you rent out private rooms to wandering ex-cons at absurdly marked up prices, you expect there to be theft the same way park rangers expect there to be weather.<\/p>\n

This caper was going to be tricky. Going in, I couldn\u2019t shake the feeling that I was overreaching somehow\u2014that attempting to rob a very well-to-do city full of guards, locks, and concerned citizens was a dangerous proposition for a starting thief with his stealth skills in the crapper and no magic items. One thing was for sure: this wasn\u2019t going to be easy.<\/p>\n

Twenty minutes later, I\u2019d cleaned the town out.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

That wasn\u2019t actually easy, <\/em>no. It was embarrassingly<\/em> easy. I\u2019d walk up to a door, loiter outside until the guards wandered away, then blast through the lock and start looting everything inside. At first I was afraid of waking the owner up, but after I accidentally threw a tray of weights, coins, and novelty noisemakers across a room, I came to the conclusion that this wasn\u2019t gonna happen.<\/p>\n

So, the good news is, stealing crap is super easy. The bad news is, there\u2019s practically nothing in private residences worth stealing.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m serious. Nothing beats shadowing a target, figuring out when they sleep, cracking open their door, sneaking past their room, and infiltrating their basement only to carefully remove the lock from a chest and uncover\u2026some yarn. And one fork. Both of which are a.) useless to them and b.) entirely valueless to shopkeepers. So, basically, I broke into an aristocrat\u2019s house in the dead of night so that I could clean their basement. If I\u2019d done this during the daytime, they\u2019d feel obligated to provide me with lunch and pay me for my troubles. The thing is, this isn\u2019t just a couple containers in a couple houses, this is practically every house in the game. Burglary used to be so fun and profitable\u2014what happened, Bethesda? You stick in a brand spankin\u2019 new system that adds a ton of depth and intrigue to urban robbery, and then you offer such insulting rewards? That\u2019s like revamping the rules of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire<\/em>, working up a media frenzy about how new and amazing it\u2019s going to be, and then offering twenty dollars as your grand prize.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, stores have some <\/em>decent inventory lying around, and while the good stuff seems to exist in whatever pocket dimension some NPCs have shoved up their keisters, you can still pilfer the odd cuirass and whatnot. By the end of the night, I\u2019ve got a haul worth calling my own. It consists of enough gewgaws, trinkets, artifices, brews, vests, and assorted rubbish to choke a whale to death, which\u2014by sheer coincidence\u2014is exactly enough to break my prison-weakened back from the strain of it. You know those cartoon robbers that carry massive, bulging sacks over their shoulders? I\u2019m that guy. <\/em>Only instead of money, I\u2019m carrying the medieval equivalent of a passable rummage sale. The question is\u2026what do I do with it?<\/p>\n

Well, no, the question is, \u201cWhere do I sell it?\u201d It\u2019s not like I\u2019m going to donate this stuff to the Salvation Legion or use it to create modern art or something. I\u2019m in this for the money, dig?<\/p>\n

I head back to my room, make sure there are no ornaments I missed on the first pass\u2014they\u2019d be worthless, but if I\u2019m spending 20 gold a night there\u2019s principle to consider\u2014and wait for the shops to open up again. Then I head to the pawnbroker.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a well-known rule of economics that people will give you better deals if they like you. This is why, whenever I go to a Wal-Mart, I spend a good twenty minutes seducing the cashier. Half the time, security doesn\u2019t even bother to confiscate my bags before throwing me out! Anyway, point is, I plan to move a lot of product here, so I need this guy to like me. Time to bust out my charm AND moxie, which means using\u2026the Speechcraft minigame.<\/p>\n

Come to think of it, maybe I will go the donation route.<\/p>\n

The Speechcraft minigame is the other skill minigame Bethesda added. It\u2019s slightly less beloved than the Lockpicking one, which means that it actually has fewer fans than hepatitis. It has the strategic depth of a Tiger electronics game, the entertainment value of a Speak-and-Spell, and has slightly less to do with the actual ebb and flow of human social interaction than, say, a ten-minute video of a cow being flogged. Here\u2019s how it works:<\/p>\n

You\u2019re given a circle divided into four quarters. Each quarter is marked with some vague, generalized aspect of social interaction: Admire, Joke, Coerce, or Boast. Every NPC will really like having one of these things directed at them, kind of like another, hate a third, and really hate a fourth. So, the trick is figuring out what they like and doing that, right? That makes a lot of sense, so Bethesda took one look at it and decided they didn\u2019t want any.<\/p>\n

In fact, you will have to do all four of these things, every time you try to improve someone\u2019s disposition. <\/em>All that matters is what order <\/em>you do them in. Basically, you try to click on the ones they like when they\u2019re full and the ones they don\u2019t when they\u2019re empty, with how full the quarters are being determined by a rotating set of values. It\u2019s hard to explain, but the important thing is that every time you try to smooth talk someone, no matter what their inclination, you have to coerce them, admire them, boast to them, and tell them jokes. The NPCs react to your social cues appropriately\u2014either expressing appreciation or contempt, as is appropriate–and when you finish a session, they\u2019ll give you their opinion on how you did. It\u2019s a little strange, actually\u2014it sounds a lot like they\u2019re a teacher giving you a grade, which just helps to make this whole stilted exercise sound even more terrifying and inhuman, like it was designed by someone who\u2019d learned about human interactions from a documentary they\u2019d fallen asleep halfway into. If you do well at it, a common NPC response is, \u201cYou\u2019re pretty good!\u201d It kinda gives me the willies just thinking about it.<\/p>\n

But of course, it behooves me to make this shopkeeper like me before offloading my crap on him, so it\u2019s time to lay on the old Charm-el. Looks like he likes admiration, dislikes boasting, hates jokes, and really likes\u2026coercion? He\u2019s a fan of being threatened? Okay, now I really <\/em>don\u2019t like where this is going. Whatever, might as well get this over with\u2026<\/p>\n

Cahmel: Hello, good sir! I wish to patronize your shop.<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Certainly.<\/p>\n

Cahmel: Alright, I\u2026huh. Pardon the interruption, but I just happened to notice that you\u2019re a beautiful jewel of a man.<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Oh, my, you flatter\u2014<\/p>\n

Cahmel: Of course, I\u2019m prettier. And just generally more awesome.<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: I beg your pardon? That seems a trifle arrogant.<\/p>\n

Cahmel: More like\u2026awesome-gant<\/em>. Did you get that? It\u2019s a play on words.<\/p>\n

Shopkeer: My hands suddenly want to kill you. My brain\u2019s offering a show resistance.<\/p>\n

Cahmel: Well how about you shut the hell up before I murder you and throw you into an alleyway, you ugly freak.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Oh\u2014oh god, please don\u2019t do that! I\u2019m sorry, I\u2019ll be good!<\/p>\n

Cahmel: I\u2019m going to drag you outside and beat you with a rusty metal pipe. People will find your skull the next street over and think it\u2019s a Wiffle ball.<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Oh, no, don\u2019t! Anything but that!<\/p>\n

Cahmel: That\u2019s a nice shirt. Borba\u2019s?<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Yeah.<\/p>\n

Cahmel: Mine\u2019s better.<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Listen, you rude little urchin, if you\u2019re going to snipe at my fashion choices, I suggest you vacate the premises!<\/p>\n

Cahmel: Did you hear the one about\u2026<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: Yes, and I hated it then too! I hate your insipid jokes with every cell in my body, and if you don\u2019t get out of my shop at this very moment I\u2019m going to tear out your lungs with my bare hands!<\/p>\n

Cahmel: I\u2019m done.<\/p>\n

Shopkeeper: You\u2019re pretty good.<\/p>\n

Next episode: A little snag.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Expect a new Cahmel in this space later today (Pacific time). Remember that whole academic integration thing? 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