{"id":2870,"date":"2010-10-03T01:09:35","date_gmt":"2010-10-03T09:09:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2870"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:22","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:22","slug":"the-cyrodiil-look-cahmels-new-travels-lets-play-oblivion-part-7-5","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=2870","title":{"rendered":"The Cyrodiil Look: Cahmel’s New Travels (Let’s Play Oblivion, Part 7.5)"},"content":{"rendered":"

When we last left our charming hero, he was alternately threatening and flattering a potato-faced shopkeeper with the intent of selling his stolen swag for slightly <\/em>more than nothing. As it turns out, I needn\u2019t have bothered.<\/p>\n

After loosening him up with a few legitimate items, like a fork I pulled out of a wolf\u2019s digestive tract and a book some goblin had been using as a bogroll, I casually put down a hot bronze necklace. The shopkeeper immediately went rigid; his eyebrows flew up, and his lips parted in a stiff smile that had the edges of a sneer.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said, \u201cI don\u2019t take that item.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNecklaces? You should. They\u2019re the latest craze. Oh, well, have some cheese I\u2019ve been carrying around in my pockets.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019m not buying it because it\u2019s stolen.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a long silence. I stared at him for half a second, then caught myself and averted my gaze.<\/p>\n

\u201cStolen?\u201d I said, a couple seconds too late. \u201cI don\u2019t have any idea what you\u2019re talking about. I inherited this from my late cousin, Realtilda. It was her fondest wish that I trade it for enough money to buy a sweet roll.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t deal in stolen goods.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t deal in\u2014look, what makes you think this item was stolen?\u201d<\/p>\n

He shrugged. \u201cI can tell.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s absurd! It\u2019s not as if it\u2019s got the owner\u2019s name carved into it, now, is it?\u201d I pause, then steal a half-guilty glance down at the necklace. \u201cOf course there isn\u2019t! There\u2019s a great deal of reasonable doubt as to whether or not I lifted this item off of somebody!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, you\u2019re going to have to sell it elsewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, really? Maybe some shop where they don\u2019t have a magic anti-larceny watermarking system implemented? Can you name one of the top of your head?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe thieves\u2019 guild buys stolen stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFantastic! Another organization to join! That\u2019s worked out very well for me in the past. Oh, fine. Any idea how I do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hear rumors that they seek out and recruit promising thieves.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hm. That didn\u2019t sound bad, actually. Certainly makes more sense than the Fighter\u2019s Guild approach, which is to rope every man, woman, and nonexistent child into virally advertising their open slots to random passersby. Plus, hell, I\u2019d just knocked over a whole town without getting caught. For all I knew, my invitation was in the mail.<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, that sounds good. Just for reference, any idea what constitutes promising?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGetting sent to jail.\u201d<\/p>\n

Beat.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey look for thieves that have been sent to jail and give them formal invitations.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026let me get this straight. To swell its ranks with only the best and brightest potential thieves in the realm, Thieves\u2019 Guild recruiters specifically\u2014exclusively<\/em>\u2014target those individuals that have already been arrested and sent to jail? That\u2019s like if the Mage\u2019s Guild targeted people who flunked out of school.\u201d<\/p>\n

The shopkeeper shrugged again. I was beginning to sense that he was done with this conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, I gotta go to jail, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you want to sell this stuff, yeah. Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned to leave. At the last minute, he asked:<\/p>\n

\u201cLook\u2026you really want to know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh? Know what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow I knew that necklace you put up was stolen.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded eagerly.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause it didn\u2019t smell like monster piss.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ah.<\/p>\n

Okay, that\u2019s it. It looks like the only way to join the Thieves\u2019 Guild is to actually get my own bad self arrested. Which means actually running out and committing a crime specifically <\/em>for the purposes of getting caught. Hm\u2026<\/p>\n

Right, let\u2019s go get arrested. But first, I\u2019d better stash my stolen goods in a barrel. My take from this town alone consists of:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

2 Pairs of Blue Suede Shoes–Yeah, subtle reference.<\/p>\n

Bronze Necklace<\/p>\n

2 Green Brocade Doublets<\/p>\n

2 Green Silk Garments–The icon’s just a pair of pants. I see no reason not to show up at a party wearing only these.<\/p>\n

Green Velvet Shoes<\/p>\n

Green Wool Shirt<\/p>\n

2 Pairs Iron Gauntlets<\/p>\n

Iron Greaves<\/p>\n

Red Velvet Blouse<\/p>\n

3 Red Velvet Garments<\/p>\n

Russet Felt Outfit<\/p>\n

2 Bottles of Beer<\/p>\n

2 Bottles of Surilie Brothers Wine<\/p>\n

Tamika Vintage 415<\/p>\n

Tamika\u2019s West Weald Wine<\/p>\n

5 Apples<\/p>\n

3 Loaves of Bread<\/p>\n

3 Carrots<\/p>\n

4 Wedges of Cheese<\/p>\n

2 Ears of Corn<\/p>\n

3 Grapes<\/p>\n

2 Heads Lettuce<\/p>\n

Onion<\/p>\n

2 Pears<\/p>\n

Tomato<\/p>\n

A Children\u2019s Annuad<\/em><\/p>\n

A Less Rude Song<\/em><\/p>\n

Beggar Prince<\/em><\/p>\n

Darkest Darkness<\/em><\/p>\n

Frontier, Conquest<\/em><\/p>\n

Fundaments of Alchemy<\/em><\/p>\n

Galerion the Mystic<\/em><\/p>\n

Gods and Worship<\/em><\/p>\n

Mysterious Akavir<\/em><\/p>\n

On Morrowind<\/em><\/p>\n

The Argonian Account, Book 4<\/em><\/p>\n

The Easter Provinces<\/em><\/p>\n

The Real Barzeniah, V1<\/em><\/p>\n

Clay Goblet–This is worthless, but I liked it anyway.<\/p>\n

Flawless Diamond<\/p>\n

2 Repair Hammers<\/p>\n

Scales–The kind you weigh stuff on, not the kind you get by carving up an improbably aggressive fish.<\/p>\n

Shears<\/p>\n

2 Silver Bowls<\/p>\n

4 Silver Bowls–I dunno, they’re wider or something.<\/p>\n

3 Silver Carafes–I don’t know what a carafe is either. I’m sure it’s terribly posh.<\/p>\n

10 Silver Forks<\/p>\n

10 Silver Knives<\/p>\n

3 Silver Pitchers<\/p>\n

10 Silver Plates<\/p>\n

2 Silver Spoons<\/p>\n

1 Urn–I didn’t actually check what was inside this before I stole it, and I daren’t now.<\/p>\n

I just hope nobody actually stores their stuff in this barrel, or somebody\u2019s got a lot of \u2018splainin\u2019 to do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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