{"id":3150,"date":"2010-11-29T01:15:04","date_gmt":"2010-11-29T09:15:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=3150"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:22","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:22","slug":"the-cyrodiil-look-cahmels-new-travels-lets-play-oblivion-part-13","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=3150","title":{"rendered":"The Cyrodiil Look: Cahmel’s New Travels (Let’s Play Oblivion, Part 13)"},"content":{"rendered":"

When we last left our gifted hero, he\u2019d impressed the thieves\u2019 guild recruiter by being able to run a little bit faster than all of the other butterfingered ex-con prospective thieves. Having thus proven myself, I was admitted entrance into their ranks, which apparently satisfied their hiring quote indefinitely.<\/p>\n

Now, wait a minute, how come they\u2019re only going to allow one guy entrance? I mean, let\u2019s break this down. Their rigorous screening process for potential applicants involves finding people anywhere on the continent who have gone to jail. <\/em>Whether or not you had previously expressed any interest in joining a guild, you are then slapped with an invitation to come over to the Imperial City, whereupon your thieving abilities are put to the test\u2014abilities, I might add, that were quite recently and conclusively tested by Johnny Law. Of those tested, only one can possibly be admitted.<\/p>\n

More to the point: here we have a glut of desperate and woefully unskilled applicants being forced to compete to fill a very small vacancy, leaving most of them SOL and one of them very dubiously fortunate. It\u2019s a hiring process that feels less Oceans 11 <\/em>and more The Grapes of Wrath<\/em>.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I guess it makes sense, though. Of all the guilds in the realm, you might argue that this is the one that runs the operations that can least afford failure. Criminal jobs are traditionally time-sensitive, low-profile operations where a false start or a botched approach can spell intractable failure and the imprisonment of all involved. It\u2019s reasonable to be cautious when finding employees for this sort of business, and frankly, this is really the sort of screening process Hlaalu should have been subjecting its employees to.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright,\u201d I ask. \u201cLet\u2019s get to work. So, what do you need stolen that you\u2019re too busy and\/or lazy to steal for yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

He blinks. \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy job. What\u2019s my job?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJob? You don\u2019t have a \u2018job,\u2019 dude. What you have is the deliberately and artfully prolonged absence of a job. What you have is unemployment, only less socially acceptable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but like, what do you want me to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want me to give you something to do? What am I, your boss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Yes, that is exactly what you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, man. I guess you could steal stuff. Sell it to a fence. Sound like good times?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me get this straight. You go through all of this trouble to prove whether or not I\u2019m worthy of joining your super cool awesome larceny club, and then you don\u2019t make me do anything that would actually require me to be skilled?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was to see whether or not you were worthy of gaining access to our fences.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, that makes sense. You wanted us to prove whether or not we\u2019re worthy of doing business with you. Kinda like how restaurants round up all their customers and make them play musical chairs to see which one gets to eat that night.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I guess we do have some missions, but you only get to undertake them after you\u2019ve proven your worth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, alright then, that\u2019s what I want to do. What\u2019s my first job?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you have to prove your worth again.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do I do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBy selling stuff to the fences. We give you access to one of the poorer ones, and then as you advance in rank, we give you access to ones that handle more expensive goods.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, if I\u2019ve got this really lucrative stolen item, you just straight-up won\u2019t take it from me until I\u2019m a higher rank?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. You need to just sort of keep that \u2018proving your worth\u2019 ball in the air.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, remind me why you can\u2019t just open all <\/em>of the fences to all prospective applicants, without arbitrarily eliminating two thirds of them from the market, then determine which of those people is worthy of undertaking more difficult tasks by how much lucre they bring in on a regular basis? And then you get access to a wider range of operatives and stolen goods, meaning more profits for everyone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you have to prove you\u2019re worthy <\/em>first. <\/em>Keep up, man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, fine, I\u2019ll goddamned prove myself! What do I need to do to get my first mission?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSell fifty gold worth of stuff to a fence.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, it\u2019s like, I\u2019ve already got that much. I\u2019ve already got literally ten times that much<\/em>, all from half a night of burglary in one town. Yeah, you guys just have crazy high standards. Alright, I\u2019m not going to complain, this actually does seem relatively convenient. Where\u2019s my fence?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFrozen ass end of the north.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOutstanding.\u201d<\/p>\n

I travel to Bruma to meet with my fence. My quest arrow points to his house, so I drop in midway through the day to see about offloading the couple hundred pounds of stolen goods I\u2019m toting around with me.<\/p>\n

I manage to catch him just before he leaves. Unfortunately, he\u2019s unwilling to trade with me\u2014not because, as I initially feared, I had to first prove my worth<\/em>, but because it was daytime. Obviously, it was too dangerous to do business with him in the privacy of his own home while everyone else was away working. He insisted that I instead meet in a more discreet location, which turned out to be the middle of the local pub during peak hours.<\/p>\n

This is all somewhat encouraging. If I\u2019m going to make a livelihood out of thwarting law enforcement, it\u2019s good to know that these are the brain trusts whose policy on the thieves\u2019 guild is, \u201cIt\u2019s just a legend.\u201d So far, these guys have managed to be slightly less underground and low-profile than McDonalds.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When we last left our gifted hero, he\u2019d impressed the thieves\u2019 guild recruiter by being able to run a little bit faster than all of the other butterfingered ex-con prospective thieves. 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