{"id":3243,"date":"2010-12-24T01:01:58","date_gmt":"2010-12-24T09:01:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=3243"},"modified":"2026-06-15T17:07:22","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T01:07:22","slug":"a-cahmel-carol","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=3243","title":{"rendered":"A Cahmel Carol"},"content":{"rendered":"

(For those of you who\u2019d like me to move on from making fun of the opium-logic hash that is Oblivion\u2019s setting\u2026well, I guess sorry about that.)<\/em><\/p>\n

My opponent was going to kill me: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He had made such a claim no less than three times during the bout\u2019s duration, and was more certain each time, more determined to support his assertion with violence of the most exquisite quality. He had, as his taunts would have it, fought mudcrabs more fearsome than I.<\/p>\n

Mind! I don\u2019t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly feeble about a mudcrab. I might have inclined, myself, to indicate a rat as the weakest monster in the trade. But the wisdom of Bethesda is in the comparison; and my unhallowed words shall not undermine it, or the LP\u2019s done for.<\/p>\n

Wait, actually, I guess that\u2019s what I do here.<\/p>\n

The mention of mocking Bethesda brings me back to my intended point. There is no doubt that Bethesda\u2019s world is frequently illogical and strange. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing risible can come from the story I am going to relate. If we were not perfectly convinced that Dwarf Fortress was a hateful work of bastardry, then the Saga of Boatmudered would provoke only confusion. Similarly, it is necessary that you grasp Bethesda\u2019s dementia before embarking upon the following tale.<\/p>\n

I had fought long and hard against my opponent from the Yellow team, I wearing the uniform of the Blue team. Though his iterations of the same two insults were many, and his pathfinding was odd, and his blocking verged on the cheap and frustrating, it was I that was eventually victorious. It was a harsh battle, one that provoked much bloodletting on both fronts.<\/p>\n

I had entered into an arena to battle an opponent sight-unseen, and had emerged, scarred and barely alive, as the sole survivor. We had both put our mettle to the test, as they say, and our metal besides. To be frank, my victory can be credited as much to chance as the strength of my sword-arm; I was not much eager to try such luck again.<\/p>\n

Still, I had to return to the fightmaster, and in doing so, receive my well-earned profits for \u00a0the day\u2019s brutality. I brought him news of my narrow victory; he rewarded me with jubilance, a slap on the back, and fifty gold coins.<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty coins!\u201d I cried. \u201cDon\u2019t you know that I had risked my very neck, sir? That was an affair of life and death, you cheap son of a bitch!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBe that as it may, that was but an entry-level bout. All new applicants receive only fifty gold coins in wages.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty gold coins! It\u2019s a wonder you have any fighters at all!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do not follow,\u201d he replied, a look of confusion upon his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen allow me to restate the issue, in a way your frail potato-mind can grasp.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

“All of your new applicants, regardless of skill, begin at the lowest rank. Of these fighters, exactly half survive to the next rank, and so on\u2014so that you would have only a small handful of the highest-rank at any time, and conversely, have the relatively the vast majority of your fights at the entrant level.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if new fighters are not attracted, every set of matches at the above levels reduces the amount of fighters by one half. You require a steady stream of new combatants so as not to deplete your ranks within a few days.
\n\u201cAnd who, I ask you, would enter into a contest that has an even chance of killing them if the purse they stand to win is but fifty gold? Selling one\u2019s clothing gives nearly that much! What\u2019s more, one requires a weapon to acquit themselves well in the arena, and not only do these things cost more than fifty gold, they can be put to use at lower risk, higher paying jobs, such as working for the fighter\u2019s guild or murdering wolves to sell their pelts!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe do provide swords!\u201d replied the fightmaster.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you confiscate these freely-available weapons if they are removed from the premises?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen the clear solution is to take one of your generously provided courtesy blades and set out for the countryside.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally, now, who would engage a wolf with a sword?\u201d returned the fightmaster.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn my direct experience, around seventy percent of all travelers. My point, sir, is this: if you wish to attract new combatants, you should increase the profits one stands to gain from winning. Otherwise, you will snare only fools!\u201d<\/p>\n

At that precise moment, I felt a cold tingle run down my spine, as if a chill breeze had wafted over me. Since that was actually entirely probable, I did not pay the feeling much heed.<\/p>\n

A moment later, I heard a voice call out to me. This was also fairly common, so that set off no alarm bells either.<\/p>\n

\u201cCahmel\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

With little difficulty, I pried my gaze from the features of the fightmaster to regard the speaker behind me. What I saw there was this: a ghost, hovering and transparent, draped in ectoplasm and glowing with ethereal light.<\/p>\n

\u201cOoh!\u201d said I. \u201cHang on a bit, I know I stole a silver dagger at some point. Or elven. Elven works against ghosts, right? Hang on, hang on\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCahmel,\u201d he repeated. \u201cIt is I, the one you vanquished in the arena.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAha. The one who had fought mudcrabs more fearsome than–\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, right, that was I.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFair enough. What are you doing here, spirit?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is required of every man, that the spirit within him should walk far and wide, and if that spirit does not reflect well upon his environment in life, he must do so in death. This, I am afraid, is my charge. Why did I walk through the guilds and organizations of this realm, never questioning my allegiance or my odds of survival? Were there no indications of the stupidity of my deeds?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d I said, \u201cI may assist you there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are a true friend, if no more fearsome than a mudcrab,\u201d said the ghost. \u201cThank \u2018ee!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will be presented,\u201d said I, \u201cwith three rants.\u201d<\/p>\n

The First of the Three Rants<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cTo begin with, we must venture into the past, to when the Arena was founded.\u201d<\/p>\n

Through the power of description, storytelling, acting, and unflattering impersonations, I related to him my impression of the Arena\u2019s founding. The historical details were perhaps papered over somewhat, but the spirit of the story, I believe, was preserved.<\/p>\n

Two men stood in an empty courtyard. Ahead of them was a stack of stone, a set of plans, labor, space\u2026and opportunity, sweet as the sweetroll left unwrapped next the imp gall and raw crab meat in the adventurer\u2019s backpack.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright,\u201d said the first planner. \u201cThis is going to be awesome! We\u2019ve been given the green light to set up an Arena. We\u2019re going to make a fortune!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, right? Now, let\u2019s block out where the buildings are going. I\u2019m thinking we have a staircase that leads down into the ground\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor no reason,\u201d said the first, nodding.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor no reason, right, exactly. This leads to an area where three or four combatants can practice at a time, and four or five may rest at a time. That\u2019ll give the Yellow and Blue teams both a place to recuperate and practice. Then there will be a staircase that leads upwards and exits out into the Blue Team cage of the Arena.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight. Where\u2019ll the Yellow Team cage go?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, hello? On the opposite side. Duh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026you just indicated that Yellow and Blue team access the Arena from the same door.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, the door that leads to the Blue Team cage.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026how\u2019ll Yellow Team get over to their cage?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2026\u201d His browed knotted. \u201cI guess they go through the Blue Team cage.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s locked before the fight begins. That\u2019s the whole point of having the cages there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess they just climb over it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not actually possible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019ll be their problem, okay? For symmetry\u2019s sake, you gotta have the Blue Team cage and door on one side, the Yellow team cage and door on the other.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait, you just said Yellow team door.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. See, if the Blue guy wins, he leaves via the Blue door\u2014in the Blue cage–and if the Yellow guy wins, he goes back to the Yellow cage and goes through theYellow door.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich leads\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI dunno. Bathroom or something.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess it doesn\u2019t really\u2026wait, what do you mean, \u2018if the Blue guy wins,\u2019 \u2018if the Yellow guy wins?\u2019 Surely even if they lose, they\u2019re still going to get to leave?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI mean, what, do they just have to pitch a tent over the grate or something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDude, what part of Arena do you not get?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t follow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf they lose<\/em>, obviously, they die.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

The other man\u2019s face blanched in an instant.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you kidding me?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, whoah, I thought the whole dying thing was pretty self-explanatory. It\u2019s a gladiatorial arena. Obviously every fight\u2019s going to be to the death.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not how gladiators work! Otherwise you don\u2019t get career <\/em>gladiators!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPfft. Gradually building up the skill level and fanbase of a combatant? What\u2019s the point of that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, we\u2019re\u2026I mean, we\u2019re doing like a couple dozen fights a day, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo that\u2019s more than ten people killed every<\/em> single<\/em> day<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the Emperor signed off on this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is barbaric!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, there\u2019s just no reason this has to be to the death. We\u2019ve got healing magic. We\u2019ve got protection magic. Hell, we can even enchant sticks to drain fatigue so you can have completely nonlethal bouts. This wouldn\u2019t hurt our profits one bit. It would even help, because the odds of crowd favorites sticking around are much higher, and the experienced fighters are actually around to keep fighting next week. More poor people join because it\u2019s better than faking an elderly accent to beg with, and more skilled adventurers join because it\u2019s actually less dangerous than hunting wild bastards or whatever it is the Fighter\u2019s Guild is doing this week. Why, exactly, do we have to set up a murder factory?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore people will show up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore people in this reasonably enlightened, actually quite progressive <\/em>town, with lots of respectable high-society people in our very affluent districts, will want to watch what amounts to hobo bloodsports than a nonlethal, sportsmanlike duel? And besides, if we shoot for submission rather than outright murder, there\u2019s still the chance <\/em>of someone accidentally getting killed. If there\u2019s a chance <\/em>of seeing blood, it\u2019s a lot more tantalizing to someone than just going in knowing you\u2019re going to see a murder. You show up more often, because each time, you\u2019re like, \u2018Hey, this might be the time Smelly Dan the Nordman swings his hammer a little too hard and knocks a guy\u2019s eyebrows through his occipital lobe.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, we don\u2019t have to worry too much about that. We\u2019ll get packed houses every night anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd once we get the people, we start making money hand over fist. Trust me, it\u2019ll all shake out alright.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Second of the Three Rants:<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMy,\u201d remarked the ghost, \u201cI hadn\u2019t considered any of that. Now that you mention it, though, it did seem strange how I was forced to climb over the outer walls this morning to get into my half of the Arena.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is no part of the Arena\u2019s founding that sustains scrutiny.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat of it, though? They\u2019ve doubtless made great profits off of their work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou would think this, perhaps. Attend to the second rant, and have this train of thought amended.\u201d<\/p>\n

I began to conjure a second image, of the current owner of the arena seated at a small table. He was there with his family, which consisted his wife and no-one else; there are, in fact, no children anywhere in Cyrodiil, tiny or otherwise. And if his family was meager, then his meal was even more so. There was naught but a crust of bread upon the table, and only a bottle of cheapest wine at his disposal.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlas!\u201d he cried. \u201cIf only a profit could be wrested from the Arena!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, now,\u201d said the wife, \u201cwhy torment yourself with impossibilities? You know as well as I there is no way to make money off of a regularly packed stadium of onlookers.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is just so much overhead. The money to be paid to combatants for winning, the money for providing the uniforms, the money for the trainer and bet-taker\u2019s salaries\u2026and what have we to counterbalance it? Nothing but what money we make from selling the weapons, shields, and helmets of those who fall within our walls. Often this is worth less than the prize we award the victor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAha! I have an idea. Why don\u2019t you sell the body armor of the combatants?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey are made to wear uniforms, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the betting\u2014oh, if I could find the individual who insisted that hosting bets was an excellent way to turn a profit from a spectator sport, I would visit great violence upon him! On the strength of his suggestion, I made betting a requirement for spectators to get inside\u2014the only requirement, in fact. And yet, as often as not, fate makes me poorer rather than richer!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure you\u2019ve implemented the system correctly?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could I fail to? It\u2019s rather simple. They bet on either the Yellow team or the Blue team\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cAh! Could they be biasing their bets based on whichever combatant is the stronger?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, impossible, the bets are placed completely sight-unseen. It is essentially a fifty percent chance of victory on each occasion.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf they lose?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe keep their money for themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if they win?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe double their money.\u201d<\/p>\n

The wife frowned. \u201cWell, the math seems solid to my eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIndeed! A large pool of people gives us a sum of money, and each has a fifty percent chance of taking twice that amount back. And yet, at the end of each round of betting, we <\/em>end up in the same position we started in! I just don\u2019t understand it.\u201d He sighed. \u201cAnd that is on days when our money doesn\u2019t vanish entirely. I don\u2019t understand it\u2014the chest we keep our money in is securely locked, and on full display outside\u2014right where the guard passes by every five minutes or so. And yet, sometimes, the money vanishes!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d exclaimed the wife.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s true. You would think a lock of that caliber would be enough to repel most robbers. It\u2019s as if there\u2019s some critical mass of thieves, some organization of them, inside this very city!\u201d<\/p>\n

The Last of the Rants:<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is indeed most vexing,\u201d said the ghost. \u201cBoth the past and present of the Arena do little to paint its origins, and its current operations, in a positive light. Suddenly, I am forced to question why anyone has ever joined the organization.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat brings me to the third vision I wish to present to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does this contain?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is a vision of my future\u2026and of yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

He pulled himself to attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cPicture this,\u201d said I. \u201cAn Arena staircase. It is this time tomorrow, when I am called upon to face my next opponent, who I have every reason to believe is precisely as skilled as I am. I am fighting for the princely sum of another fifty gold. The staircase is empty. Do you understand why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it because–\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s because I\u2019ve quit to join an organization that has a survival rate that\u2019s more than fifty percent for every single mission, one that\u2019s not going to collapse in a few years under it\u2019s stupefying lack of income, and one whose advancement requires the deaths of fewer clueless innocents than the fast track of the Dark Brotherhood.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI see.\u201d<\/p>\n

He thought upon this, and I could see my words settling into his transparent, naked soul. Eventually, he smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I understand now. Yes, I understand the folly of my mortal ways. This ectoplasmic coil is one that I built for myself, and this burden of death is one that I deserve richly. How could I have not seen my foolishness? You have truly enlightened me, Cahmel. How could I begin to repay you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis brings me to your future. Picture this: the clearance shelf at the local alchemist.\u201d<\/p>\n

I had no further intercourse with spirits, but lived upon the Kill Monsters and Loot Them principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of me, that I chose my organizations well, if such a thing could be done. And so, as I then observed: screw the Arena, I\u2019m moving on.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(For those of you who\u2019d like me to move on from making fun of the opium-logic hash that is Oblivion\u2019s setting\u2026well, I guess sorry about that.) My opponent was going to kill me: to...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[273],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3243","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lets-play-oblivion"],"yoast_head":"\nA Cahmel Carol -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=3243\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Cahmel Carol -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(For those of you who\u2019d like me to move on from making fun of the opium-logic hash that is Oblivion\u2019s setting\u2026well, I guess sorry about that.) 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