When we last left our noble hero, he was considering whether or not a career in straight murdering people was feasible. I mean, it\u2019s not too much of a stretch. I\u2019ve been doing the whole physical violence against my fellow man\/woman thing for ages, and while most of that has been at the amateur level, there\u2019s at least a couple of professional dude-killings I can stick on my resume. Those guys in that cave that one time, for example. And that dude-lady in the house. And the other guys in that cave that other time. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever been paid money to assassinate an innocent person before, but it\u2019s a pretty fine line, right? Except in the legal, ethical, or practical sense.<\/p>\n
And hey, I\u2019ve been practicing all the right things. Over the course of the past week or so, I\u2019ve been working almost nonstop building up my stock of bribe money, my tolerance for squirrely quests that go outside of my best interests, and my general misanthropy. And also sneaking and daggers and stuff. I am fully equipped to creep up behind someone, work up a lather of uncalled for hatred towards their potato faces, shank them, pay the guard not to arrest me afterwards, and accept a completely meager and disproportionate reward for the whole business before circling back for some more.<\/p>\n
Yeah, you know what? I\u2019ve found my calling. I\u2019ve found the one thing on this continent that I\u2019m willing to do. I\u2019m not going to duke it with hobos in the hopes of scoring someone\u2019s lunch money, I\u2019m not going to steal from the middle-class and act irritatingly paternal towards the poor, I\u2019m not going to do jobs for a Grapes-of-Wrath-soundin\u2019 company looking to hire up starving stragglers and throw them at actual literal wolves, and as for that saving the world and returning the rightful heir to the throne in order to prevent the apocalypse thing? Sorry, but I prefer to do jail time and\/or pay off the system to excuse my multiple homicides. Performing community service just ain\u2019t my scene.<\/p>\n
Mommy, I\u2019ve decided what I\u2019m going to do when I grow up. I want to kill lots and lots of people that probably don\u2019t deserve it.<\/p>\n
The trouble is that the Dark Brotherhood won\u2019t even consider your application unless you have already iced a minimum of one punk, and even then, only if it was an unprovoked assault. I guess the Brotherhood can just sense whenever anyone murders any other person at any time, which, while it\u2019s not exactly an exclusive criterion, at least it\u2019s more relevant than the Thieves\u2019 Guild qualification exam, which is bred specifically to select \u00a0individuals the Guild shouldn\u2019t want. At least this test is sloppy and generalized in the right direction.<\/p>\n
Actually, there\u2019s a good point\u2014the Dark Brotherhood can apparently magically detect whenever someone illegally murders someone else. That would mean they just know whenever a murder is committed, Minority Report style. Setting aside the vast implications of that for a moment: does the Dark Brotherhood visit absolutely every murderer, or just the ones who look buff and pretty enough to do the organization justice? I mean, let\u2019s say I stab some random beggar in order to loot their meager savings and incongruous accent. Is the DB really gonna look at me and go, \u201cYeah, he\u2019s got what it takes?\u201d Because I\u2019m pretty sure they\u2019d have to interview like thousands of people a year if that was the case. And at least a couple of those interviews would have to be kinda unpleasant.<\/p>\n
DB RECRUITER: You sleep soundly for a murderer. Perhaps, within your uniquely dark soul, even you realize that you have the potential to accomplish great and terrible what are you doing to that live stoat?<\/p>\n
FISHBOY FRANK: This dance keeps me alive! It is the hound-beast that culls the freshest chicken!<\/p>\n
DB RECRUITER: I hate this job so much. I really gotta score that transfer to Murdering People.<\/p>\n
Enough screwing around\u2014time to figure out how I\u2019m gonna do this. I guess step one is figuring out who to kill to get cred with the other murderers. Technically, anyone would do, but I make a habit of never being randomly cruel when I can score petty revenge on a specific individual instead. And at this point, it\u2019s really not so much a matter of figuring out who I want dead as it is picking out which ones I would want to kill the least. Into this I\u2019m factoring in how much they\u2019ve wronged me, how smug they were when they did it, how smug their face is, and whether or not I can take them in something that shares a few incidental characteristics with a straight fight.<\/p>\n
Armand Christophe, the guy who turned the process of joining the Thieves Guild into a dumbass reality show that carried with it the crappiest benefits ever committed to contract? He did screw me over, and his face is pretty smug, but on the other hand, he\u2019s all super important and stuff. I bet you a million dollars of anyone\u2019s money that he\u2019s unkillable.<\/p>\n
Arena dude? He\u2019s spent the last decade or so hurling childish insults at starving, desperate, heavily-armed hobos. He\u2019s either tough as nails or he\u2019s managed to turn stupidity into adequate body armor. Either way, too risky.<\/p>\n
The Emperor? Hm. That\u2019s actually not a bad oh, wait, someone beat me to it.<\/p>\n
Dammit, this is hard.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When we last left our noble hero, he was considering whether or not a career in straight murdering people was feasible. I mean, it\u2019s not too much of a stretch. I\u2019ve been doing the...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[273],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3410","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lets-play-oblivion"],"yoast_head":"\n