{"id":6093,"date":"2019-02-20T00:01:28","date_gmt":"2019-02-20T08:01:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=6093"},"modified":"2019-03-04T10:30:16","modified_gmt":"2019-03-04T18:30:16","slug":"kill-or-be-guild-ch4-robbed-the-wrong-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=6093","title":{"rendered":"Kill or be Guild, CH4: Robbed the Wrong Way"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

I’m making fantastic progress as a criminal mastermind. To wit: I’ve discovered several<\/em> things which are illegal. A couple even make a profit! And between my ill-gotten and just not-very-well-gotten gains, I’ve enough rustic pox-bubbled cheddar to add a new Tramp to my workforce.<\/p>\n

And now that I’ve got what technically constitutes a “team” of the best unskilled layabouts a very small amount of money can buy, it’s time for the Big One. I’ve been planning this caper since about thirty seconds ago, when I found the correct button prompts, and think it’s my ticket to the Marginally Bigger Time. And indeed, a scant few clicks later, my own little Ocean’s Two gives me just the report I was hoping for: <\/p>\n

We’ve successfully plundered the vagabond camp vagabond meeting place building.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Pass the open the champagne wine bottle drink!<\/p>\n

I may need to explain.<\/p>\n

See, the laws that govern illegality prevent me from sacking nine-tenths of the barely more than ten buildings in town. When I hover my cursor over, say, The Money Store or Fat Scores Depot, I get a grey and inert blob. My cursor only flashes an impassioned red and gold when I hover over the plague house, the bafflingly unsackable inn, and the few squat shacks flying green colors. It turns out these belong to a rival criminal faction. <\/p>\n

So I guess I’m in a guild war now. It’s a living.<\/p>\n

All considered, my daytime raid on the vagabond camp vagabond meeting place building is not as dramatic as it’ll appear in countless daytime TV movies. My boys trundle up a sunny country road that only leads to the bandit-zoned cul-de-sac in the middle of the woods, passing a single commendably chill guard. On my order, they stab her to death. On my second order, they grab a few apparently random sacks and bustle back home, watched with faint curiosity by the vagabonds returning to their base of operations. “I guess those gore-spattered foot soldiers for the other faction came over to borrow some sacks? Weird. Well, back to our library to look up some more crimes!” <\/p>\n

And so ends the first battle of what will doubtlessly be an epic and cruel campaign. In fact, forget television: I’m thinking Netflix Original Series<\/em>, baby. One of the ones where older male character actors do nonchalant monologues before brutalizing weepy, restrained extras. I just hope they have a big enough CGI budget for my mustache.<\/p>\n

Night falls. Once again, I send out my boys to scrounge for crimes. I dispatch Tramp to a green worthless shack in the middle of town and tell him to burgle it.<\/p>\n

 \"\"<\/p>\n

He thinks about it, sets out, hesitates, stops on the street, resumes when re-ordered. At length he trods up the moonlit walk, stills himself just outside the door; then thrusts his hand into the air and hollers: “YyyYYAAGH!”<\/em><\/p>\n

Then he drops his hands to his sides and stands there patiently.<\/p>\n

I instruct him once again to burgle the place.<\/p>\n

“YYYAAGGGH!”, he obliges. A moment later I receive a tip instructing me there’s nothing to burgle inside. Well! Glad we straightened that out. Go home, Tramp.<\/p>\n

As I pan to my next agent, I see a prompt appear; something like “action: pick pocket.” Well, that’s nice. Seems like Tramp’s doing a little extracurricular, uh…<\/p>\n

My money just went down.<\/p>\n

Tramp. This may be a paranoid question, but do you happen to know that gang-colored hooded man standing at ear-nibbling distance behind you?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

What th–it’s that guy from the vagabond camp vagabond meeting place building!<\/strong> Fucking, get him<\/em>, Tramp! Jesus!<\/p>\n

Tramp hacks at the pocket-picking prowler as I scramble the full fury of my criminal operation. Both of them are en-route, but I see more green fellows racing up the lane as well, teeth and steel bared. A constable hoots appreciatively and pumps his fists.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Things are turning sour for Tramp. He’s fighting a good fight, but just as he gets a few good whacks in another green henchman blindsides him. Red two-digit numbers start flickering over his head at an alarming rate.<\/p>\n

Well, that can’t be good.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

And it isn’t. Tramp bloodily pirouettes to the road just as reinforcements arrive.<\/p>\n

Well. The green<\/em> reinforcements arrive. My other henchman’s still on the other side of town. At least my faction leader made it!<\/p>\n

My unarmed, currently un-escorted faction leader.<\/p>\n

Um, wait—<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

It’s a sad-clown farce with a grindhouse finale. The moment Rhodisland’s pathfinding gets confused—and boy <\/em>does that not take long—the emerald conga line of assassins smashes into him like a derailed freight train. He barely has time to simper and flail before he’s turned into a gas-station road pizza and left for dead.<\/p>\n

I’m caught somewhere between disbelief and pretty well-founded belief. Rhodisland’s body chills in the night air for a long, contemplative moment. Then I receive a gameplay tip:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

That they do, The Guild. <\/em>That they do.<\/p>\n

NEXT WEEK: THE REVENGE OF RHODISLAND LACROIX<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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