{"id":6168,"date":"2019-03-07T09:39:02","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T17:39:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=6168"},"modified":"2019-03-07T09:54:18","modified_gmt":"2019-03-07T17:54:18","slug":"kill-or-be-guild-ch5-croft-to-a-bad-start","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chocolatehammer.org\/?p=6168","title":{"rendered":"Kill or Be Guild, CH5: Croft to a Bad Start"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"

<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Through no fault of my own, I’ve been squished up into a quilted gore diaper. Again: I am entirely blameless. All I did was order my employee to attack the most powerful crime syndicate in town over a pocketful of loose change. And then I rushed to his aid. And then he died. And then I rushed from<\/em> his aid. And then I <\/em>died. And then I hit fast-forward. And then I came awake while fast-forwarding and accidentally hit “attack” on the same pickpocket and died again, along with my other henchman who was standing nearby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And now I’m just fine<\/em>, thank you. Well. I guess I’m a bit, you know…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

…walking nightmare<\/em>, but that’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m too poor for medical care, but as far as I know 27 hit points is enough to get through the rest of my career. I’m barely noticing either of my mortal wounds thanks to this tooth rot! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know, I really woulda thought I’d be feeling smugger <\/em>by this point in the game. Loucher. I was shooting for “piggish.” Maybe I’ll feel better once I’ve pulled the Learning Curve out of my gut wound, which, if I keep getting helpful tips like this…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I don’t know. I don’t know what this fucking game is. “Artefacts” were not covered by the tutorial, or at least not so’s I noticed, but honestly I think I’ve got plenty of mundane problems to be going on with. For example, I don’t have enough cash for a doctor, but when I pressed the button just for giggles this came up: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

In case you’re some kind of freak who has trouble reading bright white unbordered text against a bright background, that says there is no suitable hospital in range where Rhodisland can be treated. <\/em>Which, okay, what does that mean? What “range?” Is that town limits, screen limits, bad breath distance? Do I need to hit the “get treated by a doctor” button when I’m already standing near a doctor? I guess that makes “sense,” but then why is it a separate button I can press instead of being part of a menu, like most vendors have?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moot point, I suppose. Right now the medical plan at Rhodisland Enterprises has exactly one coverage level: light comforter.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

As I settle in for a medicinal nap, I marshal my remaining pennies and weigh options. With my whole workforce ravaged, I don’t think I have much choice but to hire a new Tramp. The starting fee will eat up nearly all of my ready cash, too. I won’t even have enough to pay his next round’s salary, supposing optimistically that he lives so long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nothing to do for it. Tramp aboard, Trampsman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

We’re going to need ready cash. As of yet robbery and mayhem are my only moneymakers, but I’m going to need to strike a pretty severe balance between “profitable” and “vulgar waste of a gallon and a half of Trampsblood.” I’ll avoid anything with a green flag hanging off it. Anything that didn’t turn a profit before. Anything that’s greyed out, obviously. Which leaves me with…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"

<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

…a random croft on the outskirts of town.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, so let’s address the several vile-smelling sheep in the room. Yes, there’s a reason you haven’t heard of The Great Small, Rented Farm Heist of 1412. It’s because I used the thousands of gold talents I stole from the farm to rewrite Transylvanian history, probably<\/em>. Get some, Tramplington; go ahead and rob these luckless, pluckless rubes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My new Tramp races to the open front door, sweeps his arm theatrically over his head, and a cannonball plunges out of the sky and hits him in the neck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So behind the farm are two ramshackle tree forts, and apparently, they’re packing ordinance, rangefinders, and evil-detecting X-Ray glasses that can spot skulking Tramps through solid croft<\/em>. Needless to say, I’m taken aback. I’m taken so very far aback that I fail to notice the armed, angry Patrician stalking up the lane with bared steel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

If you’re wondering how the battle between my intern and two cannons plus an armed landowner goes…no, you’re not. But if I’m speaking my piece, I must say that shooting a man in the back with a god damn culverin for the honest mistake of trying to snatch some hay should be the real <\/em>crime. And what does that make these farmers? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Criminal masterminds<\/em>, that’s what.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God, I wish I was as badass as a farmer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

NEXT WEEK: TRAMPLESS IN TRAMPSYLVANIA<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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