In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 17)

It was less of a complicated waltz getting back home—all I had to do was walk back to Suran and take the Strider, which is why I was even lazier and used a scroll to instantly teleport back instead. It was good to be home. It was good to be somewhere where the property values weren’t determined by proximity to the slave mart, actually. Yeah, Telvanni cities are fun places to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there. Especially if you’re a Khajit or an Argonian.

But enough about that evil backstab-happy bunch of freaks. It’s time to get paid for my industrial sabotage and move on to the next quest.

Apparently, in the city of Vivec (promising start) there’s a shopkeeper. I’m supposed to convince them to only buy imported Hlaalu guar hides, giving us an edge on various enemy factions. Since this is Hlaalu, I’m guessing this process will involve threatening to burn down her kneecaps and/or children.

Actually, joking aside, I seriously doubt I’m going to have to sink so low as to threaten the shopkeeper. We’ll probably just meet, talk like civilized people, and calmly negotiate which violent and illegal acts I’ll need to perform for her to get her on our team.

Er. I’m talking about stealing and stuff. Just to clear that up.

As it turns out, I don’t have to do any of those things at all. My only real option when communicating with her is to ask her about guar hides, to which she responds, “Imported guar hides are not fresh.” Little frustrating, really.

I try to change her mind by Intimidating her, but all of those years spent fighting things and developing scars instead of working on my stunning personality have apparently made me ineffective at it. I end up having to bribe her 3,000 drakes to reconsider her stance on guar hide expiration dates. I get back, and am paid 1,000 drakes for my trouble.

Okay, I won’t lie, that was some pretty weak stuff there, Hlaalu. Seriously? Some woman won’t do business with you, so you go over and offer them cash incentives to do so? What kind of insane business practice is that? Actually, I guess it is pretty smart, since I’m the one that ended up financing it. That’s like getting a McDonald’s employee to buy the burger meat and pay the property taxes. Disappointed, I move on to the next questline.

Apparently, a clothier in Ald Ruhn is secretly working for Hlaalu, and is awaiting a letter bearing instructions. I am to deliver the letter to her and…yeah, that’s pretty much it. Just deliver the letter.

Okay, questgiver lady, seriously. You don’t need to sugar-coat this thing right here. I’m flattered that you took the time to glamorize my mission with your “secret instructions” and “Hlaalu agent” BS, but I’m 90% certain this is just your friggin’ shopping list.

When I joined this outfit, my first operation was a daring bait-and-switch in which I impersonated a dead Redoran agent and intercepted a parcel of classified intel. My next mission was to steal a top secret alchemical formula from a shop in distant Vivec. Then I did some industrial sabotage, then I secured a trade deal, now I’m delivering a goddamned letter.

I don’t want to tell you your jobs, Hlaalu questgivers, but are you sure you’re giving these in the right order? You took an unproven schlock who shouldn’t have been given anything besides messenger boy clearance, you gave him insanely dangerous and risky missions, then—when he miraculously proved himself worthy—you gave him missions any idiot teenager saving up for an Xbox could have done.

(There’ll probably be more later this week, but I have to cut this off for now. Also, I need to re-take some screenshots…FRAPS is giving me guff.)