In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 22)

When we last left our hero, he was experiencing a bit of workplace tension. And by that, I mean he was wondering where the best place to hide a body in Caldera is. Seriously—this questline seems to be a cycle of getting an intelligence-insultingly shady mission, doing the sensible thing, having to go through a mountain of hassle because of it, and then getting paid jack didley for my efforts. Thankfully, I am at heart a man of peace, and I am willing to see this thing through with patience and dignity.

(It’s in a ditch on the outskirts of the mine, by the way.)

He gives me my next mission. Apparently, some nearby farmers don’t get the concept of paying taxes, and they owe us about a hundred drakes. My mission, and I really have no choice but to accept, is to hunt down each one of these crotchety bastards and alternately threaten, plead, bribe, and work for them until they fork over what they owe.

Or, alternately, I can just give him 100 drakes. Right now. Without having to go through pointless rigmarole, without having to extract blood from the exsanguinated turnip that is our farming corps, without even having to leave the goddamn room. So that’s exactly what I do.

I love his reaction, too. He’s like, “Oh, I’m pleasantly surprised that you managed to collect the taxes.” Yeah, what can I say. I marched down to those farmers, gave them a lecture on civic duty, and collected 100 clams in the time it took for me to roll my eyes and re-open a dialogue window. The evidence suggests that I’m the best taxman ever.

Paradoxically, I’m probably saving money doing this. I’m guessing that I’d get the taxes back by raising my influence with the peasants, and since I slept through my Not Being an Unlikeable Scoffwad classes in middle school and I’m about as scary as a pile of warm laundry, I’d probably do that by bribing the hell out of them. The standard I-want-to-put-a-dent-in-your-unreasonable-hatred-of-me bribe (also called the Bastard Tax) is about 100 drakes, so I’m saving time and doing myself a favor by just skipping the middle man and bribing my boss. Now I just have to dodge allegations that I’m a communist for bailing out the farmers.

I’m confident that that wasn’t a painfully trite and outdated joke at all.

While I’m on the subject, I’d like to point out that I’m pleasantly surprised the game lets you do this. It’s a perfectly valid solution, and it makes a lot of sense from my character’s perspective. I mean, Cahmel’s a busy guy. He’s got places to go, things to do, brain-dead NPCs to save from themselves. It’s a wonder I can ever fit doing my job into my busy schedule.

Anyway. This means I get my next mission right out of the gate. I’ll go ahead and let my boss tell you what it is:

Do I even have to say anything?

I…you know, I really, truly feel sorry for this guy. He’s like one of those guys who go to business school and tell anyone who’ll listen that they’re going to retire at 35, because they’ve got this awesome business involving seat belts that tell you what temperature it is or disposable electric razors or something. They’re just so determined, so sure they’re going to go the distance, but everyone around them can tell that they’re going to end up sitting on top of a pile of unsold product, bankruptcy paperwork, and empty bottles of Jack Daniels. Because ambition aside, they’re incompetent jackasses who’re better suited to a 9-to-5 job and a lemonade stand.

On the other hand, I hate him, because in this analogy I’m his underpaid secretary who’s being asked to burn the books—uh, I mean, this book-shaped firewood that is in now way related to my ledgers, but by the way tell no one of this.

Cripes.

Needless to say, I make a beeline right for the creepy man. Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. Just keep looking the other way, see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Uh. I guess I shouldn’t use any analogy involving the word “hole” around this guy.

So, I’ll just go back and

Wait, what did you just say?

…so, don’t go back to this guy? Take this to a law officer? Have this guy arrested?

Holy crap on a cremesicle, this is the happiest moment of my violent, luckless, moron-sitting life.

I don’t so much run to the nearest teleporter as skip. The fact that I’m using any form of foot-based transportation is indicative of how goddamn happy I am—remember that part in the beginning where I said I’d walk everywhere? Well, Vivec has brought me to the point where I started running, then started noclipping, then started noclipping AND running, and it was STILL TOO SLOW.

Sorry, I shouldn’t be getting so worked up. This is a happy occasion. I’m setting up a superior to hang by his toes, a move that will bring me elevated status and a well-deserved bonus. By Hlaalu regulations, I think it might technically be my birthday now.

Within these walls, justice will be served. Er. Relatively. This IS Hlaalu, after all.

I drop off the evidence, get a promise that he’ll be arrested, and do a dance of joy. You know what? This calls for celebration. In the only way I know how.

Tune in next week for a mission that’s actually pretty damn cool.