In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 19)

When we last left our hero, he had a price on his head, fresh blood on his hands, the attention of the law, and a really, really terrible quest in the queue.

I don’t even remember what it was. All I know is that it sounded pretty godawful. Something about…mines. And mine-related activities, I dunno. Probably work some murder and larceny in there somewhere. Routine stuff, basically. So I figure, hey, I’ve been taking orders from Lazy MacPruneface long enough. It’s about time I got promoted again.

I bring this up to her—you have to actively ask your questgiver to promote you, apparently because little things like a higher pay grade slip their mind otherwise—and she tells me that basically, she’s not actually qualified to promote me any higher. She suggests that if I didn’t want to run various chores for her, a man named Crassius Curio could give me a promotion and better quests. If, you know, I’m into that sort of thing.

So…let me get this straight. There’s a guy out there who will a.) give me a promotion and b.) give me better jobs than the ones you’ve been giving me? Why, exactly, didn’t you tell me about this? Oh, right, because you don’t want to have to train some new guy. It takes a couple weeks of intensive industrial espionage and murder before you’re qualified to deliver a package, and those are weeks of sitting around on your fat keister that you’re never going to get back.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but screw you, lady, I’m out of here. I don’t have to take directions from you any longer! Just point out where Crassius Curio is and I’ll be on my way.

Vivec, you say.

…do you still have my position open?

I decide to leave anyway. So with a heavy heart I walk through the doors, bump into a guard, remember that I’ve still got a 1,000 drake bounty on my head, resist arrest because I don’t want to lose my stolen items, sprint to a silt strider, ride to Vivec, run to a store, unload my items, and surrender to an Ordinator.

Then I go to see Crassius.

Crassius is one of the big players in House Hlaalu. This is a man who’s clawed his way up to the top in a house built on larceny, backstabbing, fraud, and behind-the-scenes dealings—in other words, he’s a proven tough guy who can take any comers. So I dress for success in my finest blood-stained armor, wipe my feet on the rug, and enter his mansion.

He greets me like this.

…

…

…I…

…

…finally, a job that plays to my strengths.

Okay. Okay, I can do this. Sure, he’s a creepy (equal-opportunity, for all you ladies out there) lecher, and sure, this scene is probably intensely awkward for my character, but that doesn’t change the fact that I seriously need this guy. Well, not like…you know what I meant! What I mean is, I can’t take doing another dull frickin’ errand for that dull frickin’ lady, and I’m tired of being treated like some pimple-faced teenager who has to be reminded to lock the doors and turn off the popcorn machine at night.. If I’m going to succeed in life and be respected amongst my peers, I’m going to have to grit my teeth and get through this.

You want a show? I’ll give you a show. But the diaper stays on.

I disrobe and stand there in all of my glory.

"Okay, come on, Cahmel, you've done this before. Just pretend he's a swarthy Dunmer bandit. Er, no, wait, that sounds wrong. Pretend he's a freakish pregnant insect. Oh, god, I have issues."

After seeing me naked, he gives me a promotion. Yeah, that’s exactly as dirty as it sounds, and shut up. I tug my pants back on, accept my promotion with what little dignity I retain, and am given my first quest:

Deliver a package to a man in OH GO TO HELL.

Oh, alright, technically my actual assignment is to go to a guy in Caldera. He’ll give me a package to deliver, as well as further instructions. I don’t know if I’m relieved or outraged that the guy I just unsheathed my saber for isn’t even going to be giving me my orders.

I head to Caldera.

I can't help but feel I'm forgetting something.

It’s raining, which does little to dilute the cauldron of pure bitterness that’s bubbling up to my ears. It doesn’t take me long to find the man I’m looking for—surprising, considering my directions (as per usual) were, “he’s in the city somewhere.” Luckily, I’ve come to realize that this translates as, “In a small side room of a large building that’s a pain in the arse to get to.”

There, I receive my new instructions:

I am to deliver a sealed package, which I am not to read, to a woman in the Hlaalu treasury. I am not—and this is important—to deliver it to the man who actually runs the treasury. He stresses this quite emphatically. I am instead to give it to a woman of a lesser rank, and not, to reiterate, to the man who I would typically be giving this package to. Get it? Got it. Good.

I take the package, walk outside, and open it. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect—hey, I’m stealing stuff, please falsify stuff, then we can run away and screw over Hlaalu. I turn it in to the guy I’m not supposed to turn it in to, and am told, “Hm, this is interesting. Just forget about it. Put it out of your mind.” He gives me 500 drakes for my troubles. Uh, thanks, mister. I go to Crassius, assuming that a signed declaration of intent to commit fraud would possibly lower this guy on the org chart, but discover that I am mistaken. Apparently, this guy that I very publically screwed over is still going to be in charge of giving me my assignments for a while.

Fantabulous.