A Visit From Saint Cahmel

T’was a fight against ghoulies, and all through the tomb

The undead were stirring to bring ‘bout my doom

The skellies had teamed up, the fight was unfair

From the very first moment I’d walked off the stair

The Hlaalu were nestled all snugly, the knobs

As I scrambled about the place, doing their jobs

I was starting to feel a small bit of regret,

For I knew the faint praise and reward I would get

But I was bound by my conscience, my job, and myself

If not the desire for fame or for wealth

And so, all disgruntled, I went door to door

To run, and to fight, and to bleed out some more

I cleaned up the trash, ‘till I screamed with delight:

“On this floor, there are no more bonedaddies to fight!”

That’s where I left off; right before I remembered

There were floors full of skellies I hadn’t dismembered

First I took off my armor, my sword, and my cap

And I dropped down to have a medicinal nap

“Just a fun-filled day at the office,” I quipped

As I woke, filled with dread, and set off through the crypt

I went through the door down, and to my great alarm

There stood a black demon, a-wishing me harm

An armored great fiend, so strong and so fleet

That I knew in a flash that my ass would get beat

But I lifted my shield, and I took a great swing

(which glanced off his flesh with an audible “ting”)

He narrowed his eyes, and I stuck out my chin,

And he hit me so hard that I started to spin,

The damage he dealt fairly flew of the scales

As he decked out the halls with my festive entrails

I reloaded, and sighed, and I palméd my face

This time, I’ll work on expiring with grace

I went through again, and I tried a new tack

I danced like a clown and I fetched him a smack

I chipped off the littlest fragment of health

And then I was trashed; okay, now let’s try stealth

I went through again, this time crouching a bit

Hunched over as if I were taking a…yoga class

And with my new and smaller profile

I had switched my approach up from brute force to guile

I crept like a church-mouse, as subtle as can be

A bright white commando who no-one could see

Or that was the plan; I hit a small snag

When he whacked me and mailed my arse home in a bag

That’s strike three, this sucks, and I’m getting incensed

There’s just no approach where I won’t end up flensed

So maybe I’ll flee past and leave him behind

I try running by him, and end up clotheslined

Well, that didn’t work; what is there to do?

It’s almost like this quest requires a crew

A group of professionals trained in their job

And not just some fast-tracking outlander slob

But what am I thinking! That just wouldn’t work

It’d require a manager who wasn’t a jerk

In Hlaalu? Dream on! Such a thing is absurd

The H team enjoys treating you like a turd

If the mission is legal, and simple, and kind

The questgiver had to be out of their mind

But enough of complaining, there’s dying to do

Now, how do I win this? I haven’t a clue

I try one more time, stepping into the hall

Engaging once more in this one-sided brawl

He swings, and he misses, just hitting the ground

His arm must be tired from smacking me ‘round

I step in, and flail, and he gives up the ghost

(I pause for ten minutes to go ‘round and boast)

Alright, that was easy! This tomb is a breeze

Seems I am the cure to this undeath disease

I can take them all on! So, what’s my next foe?

Hey, hold on a second, isn’t that—OH GOD NO

OH CRAP ON A WAFFLE, A BONEWALKER, RUN!

He soaks me with hexes and ruins my fun

He’s easy to kill, but that win’s bittersweet

As I check out my stats, well, I’m in for a treat:

I’ve got zero strength, ‘cos he drained out my soul

And I can’t even move when that stat’s in the hole

So…yeah, I can’t move, not even a bit

I can just sort of stand here and look like a twit

Seems that I’m stuck forever. Well, that’s a delight

Merry Christmas to you guys…this situation bites.