In a Hostile Country: The Saga of Cahmel (Let’s Play Morrowind, Part 45)

Not sure what happened to my screenshots. I’ll  load an old save and do another of those screenshot recaps before the next post in the series.

When we last left our daring hero, he was searching for a fight pathetic enough for even him to win. This might be harder to find than it sounds—most of the past few levels have been spent getting my ass kicked so hard and so frequently that I’m starting to resemble Quasimodo. I go down more often than a panic-triggered narcoleptic in a boxing match against a gorilla. I’ve had so many swords stuck in my face my skin’s taken on a faint silver sheen. I’m the patron saint of Cruel and Unusual Drubbings. My existence has proven that righteous beatings, like true love, can be found in the most unexpected places. The primary difference is that while nobody will ever love me, absolutely anybody can make me eat curb inside of a few minutes. I need a win, and I need it bad.

It’s not even a matter of getting my dignity back. I’ve passed the point where I need to win a fight to feel good about myself, because at this point, any fight I can win will not be something to boast about. I think I can just about take out a clutch of rats, which on the scale of epic heroism places me roughly between barn cat and spoiled cheese.

No, I’m not looking for accolades, I’m just trying to remember what not losing a fight looks like. I’ve got this fuzzy mental image of swinging my sword at something, then watching it fall down while I remain standing. I’m trying to figure out if that was just a fluke, or if that’s an outcome I can actively seek out and capitalize on. Maybe then I can start, you know, charging people for me to win fights for them. Seems like that might be a job skill in high demand, we’ll see.

In the interest of acquiring insultingly piss-easy quests for an adventurer down on his luck, I head back to Balmora and hit up the local Fighter’s Guild. You remember their hiring policy—allow absolutely anyone to become a member instantly, granting them access to a chest of free stuff and better rates from their trainers/merchants. Then never follow up on them to make sure they’re performing adequately, seeking out new jobs, or, you know, ever showing up again. Imagine an office that will hire you without references or even proper ID, that pays you by the hour and lets you take home all the office supplies you want—a job that’s near impossible to get fired from. That’s how this place operates, in a nutshell.

It’s been over an in-game month since I got my first (yet-unfinished) mission. Why hadn’t I just done it and gotten it over with? Pride, mostly. I’d found out it meant killing the rats in some old bat’s chateau, and backed out of my obligation with a scoff and an eye-roll. Ah, that was back when I was a bright young lad with stars in his eyes, an idealistic greenhorn who thought he was above unglamorous low-paying fetch-quests and rodent extermination missions. Now, I am older, wiser—I’ve learned that true happiness doesn’t come with a high paycheck or the esteem of your peers, it comes with not getting yourself smeared all over the pavement repeatedly by a psychotic Wood Elf hobo. Some lessons, you’ve just got to learn the hard way.

Anyway, apparently they’re a bit short-handed, because they still haven’t gotten anyone to clear the rats out of that one client’s house. Presumably, the woman has just been living around the slavering man-eating rats for a few weeks. “Oh, they’re not a bother once you get used to them. Just don’t go into the upstairs room or the bedroom, and they won’t gnaw you into bite-sized nubbins. Besides, sleeping on a coffee table has done wonders for my bad old-woman back, let me tell you. It’s barely crippling at all!”

I head on over to the house, trying to pretend that I’m genuinely excited to be clearing the rodents out of this lady’s house. I don’t know why she doesn’t just kill them herself, honestly. Spring a few gold for a scroll of fireball and poof, instant rat kebab, and you didn’t even have to overpay some beefcake stranger to stomp around your house in bloodstained boots and take all of your stuff. She’s not even scared of the rats, she’s just afraid they’re going to damage her pillows. That’s right, the lunatic collects pillows. Dozens of them. There are literally over 80 pillows in various locations and containers in her house, some of which are inaccessible without resorting to cheats. This collection is a little sad for two reasons:

1.)    It betrays an obsession with the things that is clearly, demonstrably psychotic. I mean, a pillow’s a pillow. It’s worth one drake. It’s a little heavy. Most people only use one or two every few years. And, not to put too fine a point on it, nobody sleeps in this game. Her pillows will go eternally unused. Did I mention they’re only worth one drake apiece? It’s not even worth stealing them.

2.)    When she figures out that I stole them anyway, she’s going to be devastated. What? Okay, they’re totally useless, but come on—you find a house full of pillows. What are you going to do, huh? Not steal them? We’re talking an acquisition instinct so primal it doesn’t have a name, an equal mixture of covetous greed and outright malice that makes me want to leave an NPC with nothing, snatching away their treasures in an instant, bettering myself through ruining their lives. It’s the least I can to pay them back for their constant barrage of passive-aggressive greetings and vaguely racist conversations.

After stuffing my pockets with the things (final count: 83), I kill the rats. She takes it on faith that this is the case, since she’s not about to actually leave her room and go check or anything. No, that would require her to do something besides whine about her problems and try to screw me over, which is strictly against the NPC charter.

Next quest: go kill some egg poachers. It’s about as epic and dangerous as it sounds; suffice it to say that I completed it and moved on.

My next quest is to kill some Telvanni Agents holed up in a cave.

I refuse to believe this is a coincidence. What is it with Telvanni and getting other factions to root out their tunnelbound agents? More to the point: what is it with Telvanni and pissing everyone off? I mean, I know they’re a bunch of evil-minded mavericks and all that, but could they be a little more subtle about it? Generally, the hallmark of a competent group of evil mastermind mages is that a.) everyone isn’t trying to kill them on sight, and b.) nobody knows where their bases are. So far, Telvanni has failed on both accounts, multiple times, under similar circumstances. There’s just one chief difference between this Telvanni occupation and my last one: this one I could do something about. The quest is equally unfair, with three of the four agents all prison-yard-rushing you at once, but since I’m somewhat above the recommended level I manage to clean them all out. Hey, a fella could get used to this winning fights business. They’ve got a real racket going: have me go somewhere and fight something, then, when I come back after winning, pay me money for my services. It’s ingenious. I think this idea might catch on.

If so, then the next quest is a bit of a step backwards. Ladies and gentlemen, Sottilde’s Code Book.

See, there’s this classy lady in the Thieves’ Guild by the name of Sottilde. She’s got a book with some codes in it; my employers want the book with the codes in it, they want me to get the codebook by any means necessary…if by “any means,” you mean legal, totally nonviolent ones. The setup is not unlike a mediocre crime thriller, only instead of pulse-pounding action, razor-sharp dialogue, and a quirky moral ambiguity that creates an instant cult fandom, all you’ve got is a some half-hearted dialogue that serves as foreplay to a bribing spree.

See, the situation is really pretty straightforward: you want her book, she doesn’t want to give you her book. Killing her is discouraged and illegal. There’s no murders, errands, or murder related errands she needs done. Theoretically, you could charm her into giving you the book by using Admire or Intimidate, but for that to work you’d have to have actually put points into those, something I have never done once. So your only other option is bribing her; you pay her money, she starts liking you, and she figures, “Screw it, take the book.” It functions, I guess, but it’s not exactly high adventure.

My next quest is to go to that questionable Suran bar, the House of Earthly Delights. You remember: I had that steaming-hot screenshot to share with you last time.

Shake it like a polaroid picture.

Anyway, the proprietor of the joint owes Eydis Fire-Eye 200 drakes. Eydis wants me to take the strider over there and get Eydis’ money, at which point she’ll give me half. Sound fair? It does until the proprietor in question refuses to pay up, dragging her heels until you bribe her into handing over the 200 drakes she owes. The amount you need to give her for her to hand over the money? 200 drakes. That’s right, you have to pay the woman 200 drakes before she’s willing to—very reluctantly–hand over 200 drakes. Then you take your 200 drakes back home to Eydis and she takes all of them, then gives half back, leaving you with 100 drakes…minus travel expenses.

This is a pretty entry-level quest, so I’m starting to wonder if this whole thing is less a guild and more a scam they pull on outlanders.