A Very Cahmel Christmas, Part 1
EDIT: Due in part to its length, and in part to showstopper glitches with the game, the next Cahmel Christmas will be up ASAP, probably tomorrow-like.
Cahmel the Red-Handed Raider
Cahmel the shiftless vagrant
Left his thieving asshat bros
Their economic model—
You would even say it blows
All of the other bagmen
Made him jump through lots of hoops
Just so they’d let poor Cahmel
In their inbred Thieves’ Guild loop
Then one fed-up afternoon
Cahmel came to say
“You know, you guys just ain’t that bright
I’m gonna go and pick a fight.
“I’m fed up with all you losers,
And how you make me prove my worth
I’m finding a new career path
Off your stupid Waterfront turf!”
Cahmel the Swordman
Cahmel the Swordman
Was a grumbling, violent soul
With a big ol’ blade and a bag of gold
That he’d got from stuff he’d stole
Cahmel the Swordman
Is now unemployed, they say,
He was once a thief
But they gave him grief
So he hiked on up the way
“There must be some employer
In this crappy three-horse town…”
And when he talked to local folks,
They said, “Here’s what’s going down,
At the Arena,
They’re all handing out the gold
Just to any twit
With a weasel’s wit
And the fighting skills of mold.”
Cahmel the lazy
Loved to score an easy pay
So he packed his sword
Cocked his head and roared,
“Guess today is violence day!”
Down to the district
With the Arena and nothing else
(What a waste of space,
This could be a place
For some houses, shops, or cells)
He ran down to the pitmaster
Who doled him out some gear,
And said, “Just head on up the stairs
And if you win, come on back here.”
Cahmel the badman
Grabbed his singlet and his sword
And he ran outside
To the battlecries
And thought, “Well, least I’m not bored.”
Whackity whack whack
Whackity whack whack
Look at Cahmel go!
Whackity whack whack
Whackity whack whack!
Fleeing from his foe!
Whackity whack whack!
Whackity whack whack!
Oh god, this actually sucks!
Whackity whack whack!
Whackity whack whack!
No, seriously, how the hell do you get out of this here?
Whackity whack—
And we’ll pick up from there tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy this questionnaire. It’s holiday-themed–you can tell because it’s got Christmas colors on and the writing at the top’s all curly.
The answers are as follows:
EASY
1.) House Hlaalu
2.) Punching some jackass in the kisser
3.) His possession of a stolen 50,000-drake holy book
4.) Long Blade/Blade
5.) Fighter’s Guild, House Hlaalu, Thieves’ Guild, Blades (kind of)
6.) Vvardenfel (all approximate spellings accepted)
7.) Scrib jerky
8.) Vivec
TRICKIER:
1.) Crassius Curio
2.) Three times: at the beginning of IaHC, at the beginning of CL (technically the Blades were condoning his escape), and when he was released from his mug-caressing sentence
3.) The full list is as follows: Crassius Curio, Remasa Othril, Appelles Matius, Gaenor, Caius Cosades. But you answered Crassius Curio and Gaenor, so I probably could have just stopped there.
4.) Some random Dark Brotherhood guy
5.) Impersonating a member of House Redoran
6.) Helping Othril rescue her sister from undead
7.) Embezzling
8.) A woman he murdered for a Fighter’s Guild quest
NIS:
1.) Pelegiad, a glove, a missive, a bottle of skooma
2.) Ratsy
3.) Clannfear
4.) Molag Mar
5.) Colovian Fur Helm
6.) Murdering the culprit
7.) The Night Before Christmas
8.) Malacath
Heh nice poem. And Cahmel is running like a little bitch, so I totally called that last time.
About the questions… I think I’ll do the easy and the trickier ones, not even gonna bother with the nigh-impossible stuff there.
Easy questions:
1.) House Hlaalu (how do you write that frickin name again?)
2.) By punching his boss in the face.
3.) Memory’s a bit blurry on that one. Because he got drunk hard enough to imagine killing his top 5 people that have to die?
4.) A sword. Or actually none, because he rather runs from a fight.
5.) Hlaalu, the Thieves Guild and the Fighter’s guild in Morrowind, whatever that was called.
6.) Morrowind?
7.) Beef Jerky.
8.) Can’t remember the name… it was that big one with the annoying/confusing lay out…
Trickier questions:
1.) Uncle Crassius.
2.) Twice or thrice
3.) Crassius and the guy who deposited him on the island.
4.) From an assassin who snuck into his bedroom.
5.) He had to bribe someone into giving him money, that said person already owed to Cahmel’s employers. I think.
6.) Going in a cave full of monsters while a perfectly suited group of hired soldiers sat around in the entrance.
7.) Stealing money from the House or something like that.
8.) From Morrowind? I have no idea what you mean here >.>
Thats it for me. I already suck at the rest of the questionaire because I never made the effort to read the series again.
Told you I suck, half my answers ain’t even right xD
Answers (yeah, Ruts has posted them, but anyway…
1) None – it wasn’t all that great at all. Just a mediocre house at best.
2) He didn’t even have to do anything much, they just didn’t like his name.
3) His actions. Duh.
4) Blue cheese.
5) Common Sense, Decency, Lawfulness
6) The Incredibly Rad Massive Island of Surrounded-By-Sea-ness.
7) Dried Broccoli. Even if he didn’t say it, that’s what he had in mind. How could anyone forget dried broccoli anyway? That stuff’s seriously bad. Like, for real.
8) The city of ‘NoCahmelAndia’
——————————————-
1) Lecherous McLechy
2) Released? He escapes. All the time. No, you shut up.
3) Item #1 and Item #2
4) Dead rat. Poor thing had such sweet loot.
5) Clean the bathrooms. Or Peel the Potatoes. Oh, no, I know. KILL 10 RATS!
6) Kill 10 more rats.
7) Grievous misconduct of cahmellianesque abuse.
8) A hole in the ground. Hey, at least it was home.
—————————————————
1) The Good Town of Mild Elderly Ladies
2) “Cahmel’s Rat”.
3) Cahmel’s Rat.
4) New York.
5) The Apprentice’s Hood of Silly Buggers +3
6) He killed everyone, then replaced them with dummies. Nobody noticed a thing.
7) A mildly popular, overuse,d overall bad poem.
8) Better ask, whose shrine he hasn’t desecrated…
1) Hlaalu
2) Punched a higher up
3) Stolen goods … stolen goods… original manuscript by some Temple boss
4) Short blades, long blades… it’s all just blades now man
5) House Hlaalu, Fighters guild of Vvardenfell, Thieves guild of Cyrodiil
6) Vvardenfell (double-v is vitally important)
7) Umm… scrib jerky?
8) Either Vivec or Mournhold (CoLCoM)
1) Crassius Curio
2) 3? 2 if you don’t count the start of Oblivion as a “release”
3) Crassius Curio, Caius Cosades
4) A Dark Brotherhood assassin
5) Investigating a murder?
6) Clearing Odirniran
7) …Forgery? Smuggling?
8) A late orc in balmora (M)/ Pirates! (O)
1) Pelagiad. …a love letter, some loot?
2) Ratsy?
3) …daedroth?
4) … Balmora…
5) Colovian fur helmet
6) Uhm. Reported the murderer?
7) …
8) …let’s say… Vivec.
I think I got 17, if you want to allow my Easy 8, Tricky 6, and Hard 1.
EASY
1) hlaalu
2)punched house leader in the face (twice, if i recall)
3)murdering and stealing. and bribing. streaking?
4)dying/ running away
5)hlaalu, fighters guild, blades
6)vvardenfel
7)dried… foods?
8)NPCs, enemies stronger than him, silly quests, everything.
TRICKIER
1)was it vodunius nucius?
2)… 3 times?
3)rat. and merc dude. uh. and cahmel.
4)your mom.
5)infiltrate house redoran. no- wait. solve murder.
6)punch head honcho in face
7)corruption!!!!!!!!!
8)stole it.
IMPPPPOOOOSSSIBLE
1)pelagiad. no idea
2)rat. ratty mcratterston? steve?
3)dremoras!!!!!!!
4)… balmora?
5)colovian fur helm!
6)fffcant even remember now.
7)eh.
8)shegorath!!!! yeah iunno. vivec?
I think 4 should be “running away” or “snide comments”
Is it bad that I knew most of these answers off-hand? Like, without even trying to answer?
Notable error in my list was that I assumed Cahmel hated Mournhold (CoLCoM) more than any other, and that Vivec was mostly hated by Rutskarn. How silly of me to apply a distinction between the two.
“Guess today is violence day” is a phrase that needs more use.
Sadly, I ended up forgetting how that tune went and had to read about a dozen lines as prose before I remembered.
I knew them all except the night before christmas one. That kind of let the air out of my tires, but nice quiz :p Good think I just finished re-reading cahmel 2 days ago.
Damn, I only got 11. I blame the fact that I’ve never played Morrowind myself, and thus had a much harder time remembering names of places and people.
Looks like I have to read IaHC a third time.
I got most, though some of the nigh-impossible ones stumped me.
Did Cahmel really retreat from the Arena? Other than a few opponents(mainly the Argonians), it’s not that hard, especially at a low level.